Von Krankipantzen

Actual Recent Conversation

2009-03-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

This is why I love my friend Pablo so much.

While talking on the phone about death, just now.

Me: "I want to be cremated. But I totally don't want to be scattered in the ocean because I am a little scared of the ocean and all the fish and stuff. I don't want to be scattered in the forest either because I don't like bugs and the cold and all that outdoorsy stuff. Maybe I should be scattered in Holt Renfrew...Nah! I can't afford to shop there. I think the place I'd be most comfortable resting eternally is in a couch. So I have to find somebody who will scatter my ashes in their nice comfy couch. Or their mattress. Something cozy."

Pablo: "What about me? What should I do with my remains?"

Me: "Hey! I thought we agreed that I was supposed to throw myself on your casket at your funeral. Wearing a fabulous dress."

Pablo: "Yes, but then are you going to just leave me there to rot?"

Me: "No! What do you want me to do next?"

Pablo: "No wait! I know the perfect place to scatter your ashes. How about a cat cemetery?"

Me: "Perfect! That would be seriously purrrrfect!"

Pablo: "No wait, I totally know what I am going to do with you after you die. I'm going to have you taxidermied! I'll have you sitting on my couch with a cup of tea in a motorized hand. And your head will turn too. And when I have guests they will whisper to me that you are very quiet and I will say, 'Yes, she is.'"

Me: "Put a hinge on my head and store your spare change and keys there. Better yet, put a slit in my neck as a kleenex dispenser for when you are sad or have a cold."

Pablo: "How about I cryogenically freeze your head and then attach it to a garden nymph statue so you can play in the garden and weed it too."

Me: "NO WAIT! Attach my head to a Roomba and I'll vacuum your place for you. Maybe I'll do that with my mom. She likes to clean."

Pablo: "You're sick!"

Me: "NOW I'm sick?"

We finally decided that he will get me made into a diamond and I will have his body mummified and make a pyramid for him in Egypt to be worshipped for eternity.

I Posted! A Sign of the Apocalypse?

2009-03-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

Oh mah gah! Where do I begin? I think with a fresh cup of tea. I’ll be right back.

Ok, now I am back but not before getting distracted by 3 different things. And, that, in a nutshell, is the story of the last 3 months.

So many things have happened that I guess I will eventually get them put on paper (cyber paper, that is) but they likely will take on a crazy criss cross pattern easy to spew out but difficult to read. Bear with me.

January-

Honestly, I don’t remember very much of January. It was pretty mellow after being snowed in for a lot of December. Christmas was nice and full of low key visits with my dear friend Tina who was here with her husband and parents from London, England for a family wedding. Then my other best friend, Pablo, came out for Christmas very last moment from Montreal. He and I hung out, ate fattening food, gossiped, and giggled a lot.

From Boxing Day to New Years Day I dog sat Xiola and Lulu. This was totally chaotic, fun and very difficult. Chaotic because that meant 4 fur kids in my very small apartment. Dexter got along fine with them and there was even some mutual grooming and kisses going on with the dogs. Yoshi, as expected freaked the fuck out, went on a puking binge and pretty much camped out the entire time on my bed which was festively covered in bright beach towels so I was not forced to strip my pukey bed every day and wash every damned thing.

Fun because I just love those damned dogs.

Difficult because it was so frickin’ cold and snowy it was physically very hard to walk them daily. Vancouver is not used to this kind of show so most sidewalks were unshovelled and extremely treacherous. I actually found it better to walk the dogs in the nearby business district late at night when it was practically deserted. Due to its high foot traffic during the day the skyscrapers had their walkways cleared very nicely. And when walking a large German Shepardy kind of dog one feels very safe in a mostly empty downtown core.

On the health front things have been somewhat challenging. Lots of tests and doctor appointments. So far everything is fine but once cancer has been part of your life every little thing gets poked and prodded and scanned and tested. I have an MRI on Wednesday and an appointment with an allergist next month. The MRI is for a lump that has come up near my cancer surgery site. I’ve been told by everybody that it is not cancer but nobody can agree on what it actually is, hence the scan. The allergist is due to persistent and somewhat alarming hives that I am getting almost on a daily basis. I think all this health crap needs its own post (and be kicked firmly in the crotch!) so I will get to that when more test results are in. So, yes, I am fine. Just a lumpy, itchy, blotchy fine.

I think I’ve posted that I been working at a new job. I LOVE MY JOB! I won’t get too into the details except to say I love my co-workers, I love the people I come into contact with on my shifts and I love that the way my job is set up it is PERFECT for a crazy person like me who has panic issues. Things are getting busier this year so now it is pretty much a 3 night a week gig. Nice little bit of extra funds coming in that allows me the luxuries like regular hair-cuts, shoes and the occasional take-out falafel.

So that is my January. I’ll get the February soon. Hopefully before April. So other topics will include:

-Dexter the kitten.

-My 40^th birthday.

-Life and Death-that weird and wonderful cycle.

-My business.

-Other horrendous boring minutia.

Check Out The Real Talent!

2009-02-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

Yoshi is not the only famous one in my family. My 19 year old cousin, Julie Jonas, is featured in an online magazine showing up and coming Alberta talent. She is an incredibly gifted musician and actor as well as a university student.

Go here to listen to her music and flip ahead in the online mag to read the article.

I am so proud of her.

A Tidbit

2009-01-30T17:27:00.000-08:00

I am debating on whether or not to buy a Roomba. They are going on sale for super cheap next week. I fear the Roomba might terrify Yoshi. I also am afraid that Dexter will terrify the Roomba AND Yoshi. However, I hate vacuuming so my selfish desires might win out.

What do you think?

Merry Christmas Everybody!

2008-12-24T23:01:00.000-08:00

It is 11pm and I've finally finished wrapping all the gifts and have a moment to sit down to write a little note. I'll be posting soon now that things have settled down a bit.

Here is what has been happening with me:

-still working the part-time job.
-trying desperately to sell calendars in a horrific economic climate (and failing dismally).
-organizing a large gala fund-raising event as well as participating in it.
-getting my Occupational First Aid Level 1 certificate.
-making Christmas gifts as well as shopping.
-working some free-lance jobs to attempt to pay off my huge calendar printing bill.
-yelling at Dexter (all 9lbs of him!) to GET DOWN! and LEAVE YOSHI ALONE!
-volunteering as much as I can.
-driving down to the US for business.
-hanging out with my friends who are visiting from London, England.
-hanging out with my friend who is visiting from Montreal.
-actually being a little social and going out as well as inviting people over for snacks.
-decorating for Christmas.
-being stranded by huge amounts of snow.
-eating my weight in sugary treats.

Here's what will be happening in the near future:

-dog sitting Xiola and Lulu for a week.
-more hanging out with my friend from Montreal.
-saying a sad good-bye to my friends from London, England.
-taking down all the decorations.
-DESPERATELY!!!!!! trying to sell calendars.
-fighting a parking ticket in traffic court.
-many trips to the US for my business.
-resuming my new part-time job.
-more volunteering.
-purging junk and re-organising my stuff.
-trying to lose the weight from all those sugary treat.

Stay tuned!

Yoshi, Dexter and I wish you all a Very Merry Christmas!

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-A Tip For Obama

2008-11-07T19:42:00.000-08:00

Dear President Obama

I know you have a big job ahead of you involving all sorts of mess and chaos. I sorta know what you are facing as I have a cat and a new kitten who simply cannot get along. The kitten is impulsive, out of control, lacking in subtlety and restraint, and defiant. Not at all dissimilar to many people you will have to interact with in the near future. I contrast the first born cat is grumpy, unforgiving, completely lacking in humor and inflexible. Also eerily alike various individuals you will shortly be spending time with.

My cats do not get along under any circumstances...except when one very special ingredient is added to the interaction. This addition is so exceptional and potent that it makes even the most curmudgeonly cat soften. So transforming and influential it makes even the very insanest kitten focus.

I thought that this magical element might help you with your very challenging ambitions.

What I want to share with you is the power of....TUNA!

No hissing. No claws. No blood. Just a common love of the fish.

Well...until the little shit gets too close to her side of the plate.

In case you haven't got the news through the newsletter or my recent Twitter the 2009 Iconic Women By Yoshi Calendar is now available for sale. Same price as last year-$18.95

Check it out!

www.urbanbeast.ca

My Cat: She's a Little Famous

2008-11-01T19:55:00.000-07:00

The excellent folks at www.moderncat.net featured The Yoshi on their site. Very cool! I love that blog and have bought more than a couple things from the people and products they feature.

Check it out!

A Cornucopia of Feline Delight

2008-10-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

A Cute Photo To Reduce Your Ire

Ok, I am sorry I haven't posted. Very very VERY sorry. But after I spill my brain onto this blog about what has happened over the last month you may regret your recent inquiries into my, Yoshi's and Dexter's well being.

We all all good.

Now that I got that out of the way I'll get into a little more detail.

I've been heinously busy. Partly because I am a terrible procrastinator, partly because I am a good citizen and partly because I need to pay the bills. Against all promises I made to myself, my graphic designer, my family and my friends I once again left the creation of the 2009 Iconic Women By Yoshi Calendar to the last minute. What can I say? I work better under pressure. Just not this much pressure. So it is almost done and will be sent to the printer by next week. I'll be opening up Urbanbeast.ca for pre-sales next week as well so you can order the very first copies right away for immediate delivery.

With the addition of Dexter into the mix photographing Yoshi has been a little more difficult. It involves taking Dexter over to my parent's house so Yoshi won't have a grand mal hissy. While more time consuming it has worked out even better as Yoshi loves the one-on-one time and is posing better than ever.

She is so totally and completely hilarious and adorable and I could nom nom nom her to death.

Now about Dexter. He is the cutest, most loving, friendly, happy-go-lucky kitten ON THE PLANET. Without out a doubt everybody who meets him is charmed and smitten instantly. Saying that he is also horribly bad, intentionally annoying, a less than enthusiastic listener, completely lacking in boundaries and manners, clearly not very bright, a terrible farter, and alarmingly destructive.

Yoshi totally hates him.

Her initial curiosity and interest in Dexter was replaced with loathing when he grew bigger and started jumping on her when she was sleeping, looking the other way, eating, trying to poop and minding her own business in general.*

*See above mention of lack of manners and boundaries.

So my day is filled with hissing, growling, spitting, and heartfelt smack-downs. Entirely and totally on Yoshi's part because Dexter just thinks it is all fun and more fun. Did I mention he really is not very bright?

I can say with certainty that I understand why my parents used to get so frustrated when my brother and I bickered because I now experience daily (333333333 TBGE3333333333334 -Dexter intruding on this post) the equivalent of a little boy persistently picking on his older sister. Yoshi has a look that clearly conveys, "MOoooooOOOM! He's looking at me again!"

I am exhausted. I've also taken to yelling, "Simmer DOWN! You guys!"

The futility.

Despite Yoshi's hatred she is actually really happy in general. She is resigned to Dexter's presence and, I think, not as bored as she was. Kind of like the curmudgeonly old lady yelling at the neighbourhood children to get of her lawn. Bitter but fully occupied. I expect that once Dexter grows up and loses his kitteny assholiness they will just sleep the day away in each other's company like boring old cats do.

Random Dexter von Cheddar Stats:
3 1/2 months old
5lbs 11 oz
Meows a lot
Slightly cross-eyed
Eats anything
Drools when purring

Nicknames:

The Ched
Ched Head
Sir Stink-a-lot
D von C
NoooooDEXTERNOOOOOO!
Duuuuude-don't wreck my shit.
Little One
Grandmaster Dork

As for me I've suddenly become a little more employed. I've started working a few nights per week as the Theatre Liaison of the 110 person capacity theatre that is located in my apartment building. It works out great since if I feel a little panicky or overwhelmed I can excuse myself for 5 minutes chill-out time in my own apartment with my own kitties. I just make sure that whoever is renting the facilities are treating them with respect and are out of there on time. Sweet little gig, actually.

I'm also now part of my building's Resident Council (sorta like a co-op but different) and have taken a very pro-active approach to dealing with various issues with residents and the building itself. This is totally a volunteer situation and waaaay more work that I anticipated. But good work because being pro-active and solving problems makes me a happier camper overall. I'm also on a committee that is organising and participating in a 3 day Christmas Gala fundraiser for our building (to help subsidize rents) involving an art market and cabaret-style entertainment. I am ALSO treasurer for that which is something I've never done before and am a little nervous about. I continue to be an on-call emergency person in my building one week out of every month as well as work a couple hours per week for my dad.

Yikes, right? Busy but that scattered kind of busy.

So until the calendar is finished and all the surrounding press and products (cards and magnets) are completed I am not going to be posting as much as I'd like. Because my Theatre Liaison position is nights and weekends I am trying to borrow an old laptop so on my down time (when the productions are actually going on) I can maybe write a post or two but, in general, expect me to be scarce until the New Year.

Thanks for checking in and being so patient.

And now here are more Dexter photos and video than you can watch in one sitting.

My Own Personal Sistine Chapel

The Snoozen Housen Usurper Laughs Maniacally At His Sneakiness

'Tocks

Faceplant au Cheddar

Savouring The Deeeeelicious Full Footed Bouquet

Taken Just Now

Ka-ching!

2008-09-19T14:43:00.000-07:00

The exact moment I lost my damage deposit.

The Odd Couple

2008-09-11T23:18:00.000-07:00

Terribly sorry about the long delay in a kitteh update. As it normally does this time of year things have become very hectic. I am working on the upcoming 2009 Iconic Women By Yoshi Calendar as well as setting up a new business and doing lots of volunteering.

Dexter is still cute. Very cute. He is also still exceptionally smelly. The vet says he is fine and often kittens do not have the best digestive systems at young ages so I’ve been experimenting with different foods and might have found some that are less rank gas producing than others. I might publish a research paper: Feline Colon Inexperience and Greenhouse Gasses-Nature's Balance Between Cute and Killer

I’ve never met a cat who is so frickin’ hungry every second of the day. Dexter wails for food every couple hours and eats like a jackal. There is no nom nom nom but snarl snorf gasp choke hack lick lick sniff sniff root freak-out FEEEED MEEEEEEE AGAIN! He gained ¾ of a pound this week. When I eat he tries to climb all over me. One night he caught me unawares and literally jumped from the back of the couch right onto my full plate. Yoshi has always been a very delicate eater and nibbles on her food through the day. Dexter treats food like air and inhales it like he is suffocating. Dork.

Yoshi is doing much better. MUCH better. She is eating just fine and seems to be adjusting pretty well. I can’t say she likes Dexter but she isn’t about to throw herself off the balcony. I’ve never had a pair of cats so I’m not really sure what to expect. Dexter clearly LOVES Yoshi. Yoshi clearly HATES Dexter. But not always. Or maybe I should say not always with the same intensity of loathing as other times. I’m thinking I might develop a scale of Yoshi hate levels, similar to the Richter Scale, to apply to various interactions. I shall call it the Hisser Scale.

So there tends to be two types of interaction between Dex and Yoshi:

Dexter acting cute and submissive and lurking around Yoshi which she tolerates and then only hisses and growls at him when he gets too close or tries to touch her.

Dexter acting like a complete ass and jumping at, stalking, harassing, chasing, sneaking up on and blindsiding Yoshi which she hates. This is when she hisses, spits and swats at him.

Honestly both are totally hilarious and make me laugh. Occasionally I take pity on Yoshi and squirt Dex with my ever handy spray bottle. And even less commonly squirt Yoshi if she is beating him up too much.

The thing that I am not sure about and gives me hope that one day they will really love and appreciate the other is that Dexter still tries to suck up and doesn’t seem to take the beatings seriously and Yoshi, while putting on a show of hating his ass, quite often seems to make an effort to be near him. Especially when he is playing. She seems fascinated by him interacting with his toys. We’ve had a few evenings where Yoshi, while hissing and growling, has run around and played along side Dexter. Sorta play with him without actually playing WITH him.

Sometimes I start feeling bad that Poor Yoshi is so annoyed by the kitten all the time but then she’ll quite often plonk herself down on her back RIGHT NEXT TO HIM! As soon as he shows interest in her she’ll freak but not always move away from him. The only way I can explain it is that it seems like she likes to hate him. So they run around beating the crap (Yoshi) out of or jumping (Dexter) on each other. It sounds scary but instead of running away or leaping out of reach they both stay very close and settle down and then hang out near each other.

What does this mean? I know that things would be less hissy and spitty if only Dexter would chill the fuck out and learn to respect boundaries but being a kitten and all he loses his fool mind and takes unnecessary risks like attacking Yoshi’s tail or standing right outside her litter box staring at her when she is pooping. Thankfully Yoshi is a good multi-tasker and can freak out while making a deposit quite easily.

I have video I am working on but my new digital camera uses a file extension not compatible with my lame-o Windows Movie Maker program. Yet, I feel that a documentary format is best for this footage so you all will have to be patient with me.

So I consider, overall, that things are good. Yes, it could be better like cute snuggling and such but knowing Yoshi I think that will take some serious time. Also I think it will help when Dexter matures and isn’t so spastic around her. A vet friend of Twisted Uterus, Dr. Cheryl, suggested Feliway, a calming cat pheromone, which I got and hope will help. It takes time to kick in so my weekly “buddy” test is seeing if they will eat tuna next to each other. So far Yoshi won’t but I’ll try again next week.

Here is actual photographic proof that Yoshi is indeed alive and well and not kitten chow.

Stalking The Rock Star

Calm Tolerance

Sucking Up

About To Incite A Riot Through A Brief Touch

Yep! Adios Pain In The Ass!

How Smelly Is He?

2008-09-01T16:38:00.000-07:00

There is something wrong with the kitten. Nothing obvious. To the casual observer he is a regular kitten doing regular kitten things like attacking his tail, being bad and looking cute. However, if you are unlucky enough to be around him for any length of time you will soon come to realize that something dark is brewing in the bowels of his being. Literally. This kitten stinks. He emits such revolting odoriferous clouds of funk playing with him becomes an exercise in gag reflex control. Cleaning his litter box of his rank deposits is not so much a kindness to him but a desire to breathe in my own home.

If his smell was a book it would be War and Peace-The Director's Cut. If his stink was a biblical reference it would be the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse pulling a manure cart. If his stench was a person it would be Hitler with hemorrhoids. If his inner essence was a sandwich it would be Ebola on Rye. His farts could be classified as weapons of mass destruction. The US will be bombing my living room next. And rightly so. I should be charged an environmental fine for illegal emissions. Brain cells die upon inhalation.

He is eating well and getting very high quality food. He's been wormed twice at appropriate intervals. Clearly, I need to get him to a vet for some antibiotics. Maybe he has food allergies.

Next logical step is an exorcism by a qualified priest.

Looks sweet. Smells like a bloated corpse.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-You Can Lead A Cat To A Kitten But You Can't Make Her Like Him. Who Am I Kidding, You Can't Lead A Cat Anywhere.AC

2008-08-29T22:37:00.001-07:00

Here is the kitteh update you’ve all been asking for.

How is Yoshi doing? Well…not great but not terribly awful either. She stopped eating all together a couple days ago and still occasionally (meaning pretty much every day) yaks bile which, I’ve discovered, leaves a lovely green stain on my carpet. Who said having cats was not like having kids? My berber disagrees.

So I started getting desperate and bought all sorts of yummy things Yoshi might successfully ingest with no luck. I vacillated wildly between guilt and exasperation. It was not pretty around here.

I tried to push the limits a little by keeping the cats separated all of the time except in the evenings when I allowed them to be in the same room with each other-supervised for fair play and safety. And the thing is that Yoshi, while not happy, was fairly calm and resigned to Dexter flinging his noodley kitten body all over the living room. She didn’t even blink when he chased a toy under her chair or ran close to her head. One night, when I was playing with Dexter and some toys she jumped down from her perch and crouched about two feet away to watch us, her eyes never leaving the kitten or the feather wand.

I thought I was seeing a very faint glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Not so much because Dexter started really wanting to be with Yoshi and to approach her and play with her and if he so much as looked in her direction that is when the hissing, spitting, and growling frothed up in full vitriolic volume. Only on Yoshi’s part as Dexter is probably the most laid back kitten I’ve ever met. Nothing fazes him at all.

So as I watched Yoshi losing weight and some days getting worse instead of better I started thinking that maybe this whole kitten idea was just not meant to be and that Yoshi simply couldn’t handle a new addition. I resigned myself to returning the kitten after the long weekend and feeling very incredibly horrible about it.

Then I saw this.

And I got MAD! People introduce new cats and dogs into their house all the time with little or no problems. I saw all those cats living together in harmony and I decided I wasn’t going to let a 9lb cat with a bad attitude run my household.

But I wanted a medical assurance that pushing her further wasn’t going to jeopardize her health. So off to the vet we went today and this is what she said:

-I do not have to get rid of the kitten!

-Yoshi is an exceptionally high-strung cat.

-It is possible if a cat has not eaten for a very long time for their whole digestive system to shut-down permanently and they can die.

-Yoshi is not even close to this stage.

-Yoshi has lost almost a pound this week but she is not underweight by any stretch.

-When a cat is stressed and vomits a lot their digestive tract gets all irritated and they lose their appetite. This is probably what is going on with Yoshi.

-They took blood and urine to rule out any other issues that might be complicating things.

-Being a jerk is not an official feline medical condition.

-I have to give her an antacid pill every night.

-I have to give her a syringe of laxative twice a day.

-I have to pry her stubborn Siamese lips open and force feed her a foul smelling cat mush every couple hours. Literally poke it down her gullet. Although she makes terrible noises and spits most of it out doing this will get her tummy working again and her appetite shall return. However, she will hate my ass for some time to come.

-This unanticipated and expensive vet visit means I will not be getting a new pair of winter boots next week.

The main thing I came away from the vet with is that while Yoshi is very high strung she only is so when it suits her. She did something similar to this several years ago when I went on holiday. I returned and that night she started vomiting uncontrollably and then started barfing blood. A visit to the emergency vet and almost $2000 later it was decided that she was stressed about my absence. And we all know what happened when I brought Lulu home. Yet every time I’ve moved into a new apartment she’s adapted just fine to her new surroundings. No hiding under the bed or anything. She was fine when I was going through treatment and in the hospital a lot. She acts totally freaked when the dogs come to visit or friends and family are over but the minute they leave she is all perky and cute like she didn’t just hiss and try to bite them. So there is definitely a component of my energy that is affecting her as well so I’ve got to get rid of all the guilt and fear and concentrate on visualizing exactly what I want to see happen in my house.

MY house.

Fight the feline power!

First co-mingling of death ray kitties- lasers on standby. Yoshi rasps, "Dexter, I am not your mother" *gaspgasp*

Second meeting-Yoshi is more relaxed. Dexter is trying to eat the kitty crate/cat jail/feline transport unit.

Third meeting. Dexter bogarts the kitteh drinking fountain. Yoshi is not amused. Barfs on my bed later to prove that bad manners go both ways.

Kitteh Update

2008-08-23T18:57:00.000-07:00

Day 3 of Kitteh Intro Hell:

Yoshi is really, really, REALLY pissed. She has taken to barfing twice a day on a 12 hour-you-could-time-your-watch-to-it schedule. She also will froth at the mouth to make a point of her displeasure. She won't eat. Not even tuna. Today she has taken to her bed with the vapors. In Yoshi world that means she is in her Snoozen Housen and won't come out. Last night after a little hissing but mostly curious sniffings I brought the kitten out and I think that is when Yoshi realized that he was not even remotely phased by her growlings and might actually be hanging around. Things got nasty when the kitten went to jump up on the sofa where Yoshi was. She literally screamed, punched the kitten in the head and then levitated off the couch to behind the plant knocking over the phone as she went. The kitten was unhurt and totally couldn't care less. I tried to stay calm and laughed it off. The sad part is that the kitten is absolutely fascinated with Yoshi and clearly wants to be friends.

Yeah... *swallows a handful of anti-anxiety meds*

So I am staying firm on this. I'm not sure how long Yoshi can go without food but she has some weight to spare around the rear end. The kitten is in my bedroom for now. I am really hoping Yoshi will finally get so hungry she will give up. I am trying to stay positive and visualize the results I want out of this. Yet, there is a little tiny part of me that wonders if Yoshi could starve herself to death out of spite.

I thank you all for the most excellent name suggestions. I took the ones I liked and tried them out and ended up going with one I had written down many weeks ago when I started this whole adoption process. So with a nod of recognition and imitation-is-the-sincerest-form-of-flattery acknowledgement to Torrie and her pooch I have decided to call the kitten Dexter. Dexter von Cheddar. It simply suited him the best.

Dexter purrs constantly. I am totally serious. He purrs when he plays, when he snuggles, when he is getting a huge vaccination in his neck, when you accidentally step on him... The vet couldn't hear his heart because he wouldn't stop purring. When I lay on the couch with him he will walk up my body and throw his furry self onto my face drooling with purrs and joy. Settling in under my chin for a snooze is his favourite thing. So cute. He is absolutely the sweetest, bravest, cutest kitten. He loves everybody and is not remotely shy or scared.

Thank God because Yoshi will try to break his spirit after she finishes with mine.

Making Biscuits on Yoshi's Bed.
She Won't Sleep On It Now.

Den of Despair

Summer Lovin' Happened So Fast

2008-08-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Well, let’s see what I’ve been up to lately. You know; typical summer stuff. My very good friend, Pablo came for a visit from Montreal and we went to the beach a couple times and even went Par 3 Golfing with my mom. I was caddy with the putters.

I put my panic disorder to the test and actually ate out in a restaurant twice. So YAY!

On the down side I mysteriously broke out in terrible hives for about three days. I had huge welts or hives on my knees, shins, one foot, upper arms, hands (including palms) and chest. A monstrous dose of antihistamines did the trick. No clue what I might have reacted to. My doc thinks it could be sun. I may have to rethink a Cuban vacation in the near future.

Also Pablo had to cut his Vancouver vacation very short due to work issues. Dammit!

So I’ve been planning the upcoming 2009 Iconic Women By Yoshi Calendar and hopefully will avoid the heinous time stresses I had last year. So far so good.

And, um, let’s see…what else is new with me?

Oh yeah…

I GOT A NEW KITTEN TODAY!!!!

9 Weeks Worth of Flame Point Terror Recently Neutered

Yoshi is separated from him for now and they have seen each other from behind bars. Yoshi is clearly not impressed with lots of hissing but when the kitten is out of sight she is VERY curious lurking outside the bedroom door. The attitude seems to be turned on and off as she sees fit. Everybody pray hard for us that Yoshi and The Kitteh can become friends. Or at least tolerate each other.

His name? No idea yet. I didn’t expect to get him so soon so I am kinda unprepared. He is absolutely the snuggliest and friendliest kitten I’ve ever met. Constant purring. Wants to be on you all the time. Very clingy. I REALLY want to keep him but the SPCA says I can bring him back if Yoshi freaks out. But that is not going to happen, right?

*pleasepleasepleaseYoshibeagoodgirlandlovehimtoo*

Any name ideas?

You Know, Just Thinkin' 'Bout Stuff.

I Has A Tired.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Doppelganger

2008-08-08T16:41:00.000-07:00

When I recently dog-sat Lulu and Xiola for 5 days I bought them some new toys to play with at my house. Their particular favourite was this hedgehog that made an alarming "ack ack ack" noise when shaken. The dogs LOVED it. They loved it so much I found myself tripping on it quite often when it was left in the middle of my floor. Except when that would happen I'd do that awkward 'sacrifice your spine alignment' avoidance skip/jump/lurch because I always thought this toy was actually Yoshi and I was about to step on her. If I didn't actually have any reflexes and had the luxury of time to think about it I'd never make that mistake as Yoshi, for the first 3 days never left my bedroom. Never.

I started calling the hedgehog Yoshi since it was under my feet far more than she was that weekend.

Then on the last day Yoshi got brave and started emerging from the bedroom merely to walk right up to the dogs and hiss in their faces only to turn around and walk right back into the bedroom again. The best part was when she would walk up to the hedgehog toy and hiss at it too for good measure. You know, just in case it was trying to make friends or thinking of eating her kibble.

See? TWINS!

Show it how you really feel, Yoshi.

Doing My Part

2008-08-07T12:43:00.000-07:00

I'm off to get a DQ Blizzard as all proceeds go to the Children's Miracle Network.

It is a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the kids.

One Of Those 'Life' Posts Filled With Questions That Have No Answers And Lots Of ' Marks

2008-08-07T00:12:00.000-07:00

Do you ever find yourself in the same difficult and perplexing situations over and over again? You start to wonder if the universe is trying to teach you something or it is some heinous personal defect since the only constant element in all these situations is you.

Or in this case, me.

My particular situation is that am finding it increasingly difficult to be in the company of people.

I have a couple things going against me. First of all I have terrible social anxiety complicated by some pretty weird phobias. Any social situation is pretty agonizing on most levels. Secondly I am very sensitive to the emotions of others and so called ‘vibes’. Just very aware of the undercurrents of most interactions. Some therapists think this is why I have such bad anxiety. It is like I am lacking some sort of protective life filter.

That is another consideration as well. I’ve had a lot of therapy. A LOT. Some really bad but mostly good. I’ve learned a great deal about myself and the various limits and problems I deal with daily and as a result I am also able to recognize various psychological ‘issues’ (pronounced ithews) in others.

Let me give you an example. I have some family members who bicker a lot at family gatherings. You know, insults with smiling faces. They would also talk poorly about other family members behind their backs. When I first started seeing these people socially I would become seriously depressed for a day or two afterwards. On a couple occasions I was even teary. It got to the point where I would decline invitations to be social with them. With a couple therapy sessions I came to realize that bickering is the way some families show affection. Certainly not how I am comfortable with showing affection but each to their own, right? And I also learned that I could very subtly and politely show that I was not accepting of the negative talk about other family members. It totally worked and I am now able to be social with these people again.

The fact is that I was not raised to be assertive at all. I was raised to be ‘good’ and we all know that being ‘good’ often means being a doormat. For years I have not stood up for myself when being treated poorly and have swallowed all the emotions that go along with that. No wonder I have depression and anxiety, right? It is only in the last few years that I have stood up for myself and become pretty open about how I am feeling and, especially, how I want to be treated. As when anybody learns a new skill it is not always performed perfectly but overall I am happy with these changes. I’ve learned that not only am I a pretty quirky outspoken person with people I know and trust but in fact a leader in many respects opposed to the follower I always thought I was.

But here is the thing; I still am not sure how to deal with people who hold back from me. I’ve had a few friends/family members/acquaintances who I could sense were annoyed, displeased, or outright angry with me and for whatever reason couldn’t tell me so. I trust my gut that I am right about this and can probably guess what I had said or done to make them feel this way. Usually it is that I have an opinion that differs from theirs or have done something that they disagree with. And fair enough. I am happy to say that I am ok with all this and am totally happy to be disagreed with. I can safely be sure that I’ve not done or said anything out of malice or anger. Or it might simply be a misunderstanding. But they won’t tell me. They just start treating me differently. Sometimes it is just a feeling and sometimes it is outright passive aggressive behavior. In any case I just don’t know how to talk to somebody who cannot tell me what is wrong. And I hate being afraid to be myself and have my opinions and own ideas when I think they clearly are uncomfortable with that.

A few years back I had a very good friend who I met at work. We totally hit it off and became very close very quickly. We had a blast hanging out and were very similar in many ways. I totally trusted her and really felt like she had my back. After a couple years she seemed to be having some problems at work. I tried very hard to be supportive but found it very hard to know how to do that. So I just tried to listen and agree with her feelings. A few months went by and her behavior towards me started to change. I’d ask her if everything was ok and she’d say it was just work. But I knew it wasn’t. Unfortunately she decided to bring up everything that had been bothering her about me while we were on vacation together. Stuff that had happened over a year or two in the past and unto itself not a big deal but over time it had festered within her until it became so overwhelming she damned near lost her freaking mind. Her behavior scared me and after she brought up personal stuff I’d trusted her with and thought she accepted me for (mostly about the limits of my anxiety disorder) and then threw it in my face I knew I couldn’t save the friendship and I’ve never spoken to her since.

I hate that it got so out of hand. I really missed her but ironically not as much as I thought I would as I didn’t realize until I was out of the friendship how much I had to tippy-toe around her ‘stuff’. It was somewhat a relief in many ways to have her out of my life.

So what do you do when you just wish your friends/family/aquaintances would come out and say what they are feeling? How do you deal when you feel like you can’t be straight with them or else they will disengage or ‘punish’ you in some way?

Is this a common situation with friends and acquaintances or am I just some crazy lady? Is being up-front, honest with how I am feeling, and willing to talk about how we can agree to disagree maybe not a good thing?

Being with people is hard.

Experience Yoshi's Magnetic Personality For Yourself

2008-07-29T21:48:00.000-07:00

I've been working on them for ages and finally have some very cute Yoshi Magnets for sale on my UrbanBeast website. Come check them out. I have even put together two combos, Wiggy and Iconic, to save you money!

And as always a portion of profits will help animal rescue and advocacy groups. In fact I was thrilled to recently be able to send a nice cheque to the local SPCA for their fund to help animals in urgent medical situations.

Thanks.

Well On My Way To Crotchetyoldwomanville

2008-07-28T14:57:00.000-07:00

I live in an apartment building that has retail spaces on the ground floor. Right below my balcony is a little cafe that has outdoor seating. Most sunny days this guy sits outside for a couple hours and chats with friends while enjoying a beverage. He is disabled and he parks his scooter-thingie on the grass and ties his dog up to it. His dog is this seriously cute Miniature Pinscher. Well, cute until he starts barking. And barking. AAAAANNND barking. Yip! Yip! Yip!

The damned dog barks pretty much constantly the whole time this guy is at the cafe. Honestly, I'm not sure what bugs me the most, the incessant yapping or the fact that the guy just sits there about 10 feet away and does nothing about it.

Here's the thing. I could go downstairs and ask the guy to deal with his dog. Or I could phone the cafe and complain. Better yet, why don't I just shut my windows, buck up, and get on with my life?

All very good options. Yet, I am not compelled to use any of them.

Instead, it is ALL I CAN DO not to drop a water balloon on that dog. I have a perfect vantage point and I know I would very easily soak the thing. Probably get the scooter splashed pretty good as well. Despite acknowledging that all the dog lovers in the area would burn me at the hydrant I cannot stop aching to feel that squishy orb of water and latex leave my hand knowing that it would stop the barking, give a clear message to the dog owner and not actually harm anybody.

Somebody stop me! Or better yet, anybody want to join me?

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Being Flexible About The Friday Part

2008-07-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

So I took some video of when I dog-sat lat week. I wanted to do a little movie for you all but with a recent update of my Quicktime plugins I now cannot do anything unless I 'BUY NOW" the whole software package. Not to mention the fact that no other programs on my computer recognize the Quicktime movie format (MOV) all of a sudden. DAMMIT!

So here is a plain old unedited video for you. You'll need sound to get the full effects of Yoshi's discontent.

A Long Post As Life Is Never Concise

2008-07-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Well, I’ve been leaving cryptic Twitter messages over the last few days as I’ve been going through a minor (and often not so minor) emotional rollercoaster. Here’s what has been going on.

In a nutshell I tried to adopt a kitten. And in another nutshell (I hope you’re not allergic) it got weird. The end result was that somebody else adopted this kitten and I am very sad about it.

I’ve wanted another kitten for years and for one reason or another I’ve not acted on that urge. Not for lack of obsessive internet searching on Petfinder and all the local animal rescue shelters, mind you. First of all, when Yoshi was young, I knew I was going to be moving and while it is easy enough to find accommodation that accepts a cat it can be a bit harder to find a landlord ok with two cats. When I did find cat friendly living space it was so small and entirely without doors so I just couldn’t see how I would successfully introduce a new cat into the situation. Well, I lived there for almost 8 years. Then I got cancer and dealt with the possibility that I might not be around to successfully see Yoshi to the end of her life like I expected to which was, seriously, my greatest worry throughout my treatment. Then I got better and, as many of you remember, I moved to my new apartment and attempted the Great Dog Adoption Experiment with very poor results. So I put the whole thing on hold. Yet, in the meantime I still obsessively lurked on adoption sites…

Fueled by stories of people successfully adding a new cat to their home, an enlightening dog sitting long weekend where Yoshi showed me that she could possibly handle a new addition to the family (anything would be better than 2 freakin’ dogs, right?) and the fact that I simply fell in love with this little tiny face I saw on the screen motivated me into applying to adopt a little boy kitty I saw on a cat fostering blog.

There are many MANY more pros and cons to adding a new ruler to this dynasty but that is a post (or twelve) for another day.

Now I am going to be kinda vague here as this particular blog with the cats is very popular and the content of my post is really only about my side of the situation. I can assure you all that the foster people are exceptionally great to their furry little wards and do a wonderful job. In fact that is partially why I really wanted to adopt one of their foster kitties as I knew they were loved and well taken care of in their first kitty days. These people are good people to the kitties.

So I saw this little kitten and fell in love with his eyes. He reminded me so much of Yoshi when she was tiny. All kittens are super cute but, honestly, for me, only a few tweak that aching in my tummy. I call it my ‘caternal’ instinct. I was smitten with this kitten.

The site said that if one lived in the area and was interested in adopting a kitten featured on the blog to email them. I did that knowing that I didn’t really live in the area (I lived about 3 hours drive away across the border) but hoping that my suitability and willingness to drive down for however many interviews, security checks and cavity searches were necessary to complete the deal might allow for flexibility on their end. Alas I got a reply saying that, indeed, they did not adopt out of the area. I accepted that and returned to my busy week walking dogs and doing fiddly tax reports for my business.

A couple days later things settled down, the pooches went home and I started thinking about this particular limitation and how when I was inquiring about adopting dogs as well as researching what was necessary to foster kittens myself that the typical rescue shelter mandate was finding good homes for pets and if the applicant met the criteria and was willing to deal with distance and travel issues it was not at all a problem to adopt across large distances and to neighbouring countries. Also I remembered reading on the Cat Fostering Blog that they have flown kittens to other states so…WTF?

Out of curiosity I checked out the website of the rescue organization these folks fostered from and couldn’t find such a rule. Now feeling a little odd about this discrepancy I called the shelter and asked if they adopted to folks in my situation/location and they said they did.

Now I got more than a little weirded out. I was very puzzled. Why would these people, on the basis of a couple sentences I emailed to them asking about a kitten, decide to go against shelter policy and deny me the opportunity to submit an application based on a non-existent rule?

You see the whole spirit of fostering is that you take care of an animal who might need extra care, medical attention, socializing etc. that a busy rescue shelter might be too busy/over capacity to provide in hopes that the animal could be eventually adopted opposed to euthanized. You do not own the animals you foster nor do you normally have much say or the final word on who adopts the animal you are fostering. That is the responsibility of the shelter that has its own adoption screening process. The adoption fee is paid to the shelter only. That is not to say that a foster caregiver doesn’t fall in love with their foster pets and want only the best for them and even encourage potential adopters to fill out applications but the final decision is from the shelter. So if they are not happy with the type of homes the shelter is finding for the animals then they shouldn’t foster from that shelter. Alternately if fostering doesn’t give them the control they desire over who with and where their foster pets end up then they should start their own small in-home animal rescue situation and then pick and choose where the pets go based on their own criteria.

So I emailed the foster blog folks again explaining that I had inquired to their shelter and was told there were no reasons why I couldn’t apply to adopt this particular cat. I asked why their policies differed from the place they fostered from. The reply I got made me furious. Suddenly the reason changed. Basically it was stated that for them it wasn’t the distance that was the issue after all but the border crossing that might cause delays/detention and since they cared deeply for their kittens they didn’t want to potentially subject one to that.

::Mrtl Style Tangent:: I’ve researched bringing a pet cat over the border and it is seriously no problem. Any cat over 3 months of age simply needs a current rabies vaccination (And proof thereof. IE: the receipt) and that is it! Younger kittens don’t need anything. Canada doesn’t quarantine pet animals at all. I wouldn’t even have to get out of my car crossing the border. Soooo not any kind of potential negative situation. If there was any risk that the cat would be taken away from me at the border for ANY reason I would never ever think of risking that. Jeeeez. ::End of Mrtl Style Tangent::

It was then said in their email that, differing policy aside, they thought they had possibly found a home for the cat anyway and they were sorry they couldn’t help me. Yes, a home for a cat I wanted to apply to adopt SEVERAL DAYS prior.

So in short I was told I couldn’t apply to adopt a kitten due to a rule that didn’t exist by people who normally have little to no final say over who gets to adopt said kitten or make rules in the first place and then was told upon further questioning that it wasn’t actually the first stated rule that was keeping me from applying to adopt the kitten but now a fear of ‘potential’ issues that are, in fact, total non-issues (easily discovered by anyone with internet access and Google) (and really only the concern of the shelter anyway) that imply a lack of care and concern by me for the kitten. This situation caused me to miss my legitimate and time sensitive opportunity to apply to adopt.

Um…OK! Not so short, huh?

I know I might not have been accepted to adopt this kitten by the humane society but I should have been offered the opportunity to apply.

I was terribly upset, angry and insulted. And sad, really sad. Hence the emotional rollercoaster mentioned above.

So I called the shelter again and explained everything that had gone on wondering if somehow I had missed something or if there was some sort of unique arrangement with these foster people that gave them special authority. The regular fostering co-ordinator was not in but the woman I talked to encouraged me to call the acting co-ordinator today and report what had happened.

I just got off the phone with her and she apologized which was very kind and much appreciated. While I won’t get into any details of our conversation I can say I feel much better about the situation and I felt very heard and understood by her.

And if you love happy endings then I’ll give you one. There apparently is a leeetle eeeensy teensy kitten that is similar to the one that got away. He/she is too young to be adopted yet but I get first dibs when that time comes. I’m just waiting to receive the call to drive down and take a look.

So YAY!

And whew! I need a nap.

Hmmmm....

2008-07-07T21:12:00.000-07:00

In light of my last post is this merely a coincidence or The Universe providing? Only time will tell.

I entered.

The Silence of the Hamstrings

2008-07-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

I’ve never been one for video games nor do I salivate over the latest technology. I can’t say I’m afraid of it but have more of a certain distrust of The Hype and a desire to keep life pretty simple. I also don’t have a lot of disposable income. So the other day I noticed Dooce was giving away some Wii Fit sets and I immediately started to covet. Sadly being a Canadian resident I am not eligible for the contest. However, I suddenly decided that I desperately neeeeeed one of these things. Admittedly I’ve never tried one. I’ve never actually seen one in the shiny and plastic-y flesh. But for some reason I am absolutely convinced that this, THIS contraption is the key to my physical fitness reform.

I have a long and sordid affair with exercise that has left me wary as well as emotionally and physically beaten. It all started when I was born. I don’t have any other reason why I was never really adventurous physically or competitive on any level other than it has got to be missing from my DNA. Kids in the playground would run around screaming their fool heads off swinging on monkey bars and flinging their bodies in all sorts of dangerous ways and I was the one sitting off to the side with a book. As a child I was cautious and always afraid to get hurt. Perhaps it was that I was very small and not very strong. Or maybe it was that I was a city kid who wasn’t exposed to the great outdoors a lot. In any case I was, from an early age, an obvious target for ridicule and torment by ‘regular’ kids.

When I was 10 years old we moved from the city centre into a suburb and the new school had a very different type of Phys Ed curriculum. Specifically it was much more competitive, team based and not at all user friendly for geeky little wimps like me. Very soon I found myself caught up in a nightmare of bullying-verbal, physical and even, frankly, sexual from my classmates. It certainly didn’t help that my PE teacher laughed at my expense frequently and quickly nicknamed me ‘Useless’ in front of my peers. It got so bad that my younger brother soon was identified by this teacher as ‘Useless’s Brother’ and eventually transferred into a completely different school as following in the footsteps of my academic reputation was too unbearable to contemplate.

Some highlights of my PE classes were team captains arguing over who would NOT get to have me on their team. I also was kicked in the face causing my front tooth to crack and called a wuss when I asked to go to the school nurse. Good times. I could go on an on but I fear, should I do so, I may eventually find myself in the corner of my closet weeping and viciously stabbing my lone dusty pair of running shoes.

Later I was diagnosed with asthma which explained why my stamina wasn’t so hot but it didn’t take long before I was dreading PE to the point of other physical symptoms. Once at the doctor office I begged to be excused from PE class due to some small ailment. The doc sensed my desperation and asked me some pointed questions. I explained everything with tears rolling down my face and he wrote me a note excusing me from PE for the rest of my school life. And then the angels sang and the weight of the entire 6^th grade co-ed second period PE class was lifted from my shoulders. Literally.

A year or so went by and I joined a friendly neighbourhood girls softball team with much encouragement from my friends (AKA: peer pressure) and assurances (from my deluded parents) that it was all about having fun and it is not whether you win or lose but…say it now, people…how you play the game. I hated it and I totally sucked at it but I tried to be a good sport and did my very best, which was, obviously, not very good at all. Then one day I overheard the coaches talking about how they thought our team was ahead enough to put me on the field. I was so crushed and embarrassed and learned that for most obsessively competitive folk sportsmanship was a load of bullshit and even pot-bellied middle-aged coaches of girls softball teams only cared about winning.

So now I am an adult and as much I know that all that happened in the past is over and the bullies were a bunch of ass-wipes who are now probably meth addicts or in jail I STILL dread any kind of sports or exercise. I dread it, dread it, DREEEEEEAAAD EEEEET! I become paralyzed and absolutely refuse to participate in any kind of organized sports and fall into a shame spiral at the thought of working out.

I’ve tried all sorts of fitness regiments and I either hate it, can’t afford it, or I hurt myself. Damaged rotator cuffs and shin splints. I think I even broke my axel once. Pinched nerves and pulled muscles. $25 individual yoga classes which make you sweat. Crowded and smelly gyms where it is more about getting picked-up than getting fit. Driving in traffic and costly parking fees for specialty fitness centres catering to us gals who are chunky and just really want to be left alone when we copiously sweat while doing puny exercises with eeensy teensy weights. All of it = FAIL!

I get discouraged easily and bored almost immediately. And being prone to panic attacks in crowded and noisy places doesn’t help. But I have to GET OFF MY ASS! Some way, somehow. I’m putting on weight, I have arthritis in my foot and my right upper body is so stiff and sore from all my breast re-construction surgery even getting started on anything is daunting. I can’t even say I am out of shape as that would imply I once was fit. It feels like a lose/lose situation and I am not talking about the saddlebags below my hips.

But what? WHAT? What is out there for me that isn’t too hard, too expensive or too humiliating in some way?

And that is where the Wii Fit comes in. Yes, it is more than I can afford but it is certainly cheaper than a year’s gym membership. Bowling, boxing, tennis and yoga…interactive style! All sorts of fun stuff that I couldn’t and wouldn’t normally do right at my fingertips along with goals to set and achieve. My own little white cubic fitness instructor! It sounds like it just might work. Is this Wii Fit thing the way to go for a fitness-phobe like me?

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Catz in the Hood

2008-06-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

So I came upon Sweet Yoshi flaked out on the couch today. Her pose made me think she might be indulging in some Passive Cat Yoga.

As I moved to get a different angle of her chillaxed Yoga Pose I realised she was actually up to no good. Yoshi, clearly not so sweet after all, was Representin' Her Feline Posse. Instead of participating in an ancient mind and body exercise she was actually flashing a gang sign.

I was being dissed with one of the most grievous gang signs known to cats (only to be out-harshed by the infamous presentation of the 'Oh No You DIDN' Cat Yack Deposit') -the ever vehemently apathetic 'W' for WHATEVER!

Dude...

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Busted

2008-06-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

What cat toys?
Oh, you mean all THOSE cat toys strewn about on the floor behind me?
Totally not mine.

Why I Love My Neighbours -Tuesday's Edition

2008-06-10T19:21:00.000-07:00

Scene: Me and a well dressed older man in my apartment elevator. I've got my mail in my hand and he is holding a large platter of deli sandwiches.

Him: I'm the sandwich guy.
Me: Yes, I can see that.
Him: They are for a meeting. It's my turn to bring sandwiches.
Me: Well, they look very good. *being polite*
Him: Well, they are NOT for you. *being totally serious*

Another lady enters the elevator.

Her: Mmmmmm...whenever I see food I feel hungry. Those look delicious.
Him: *hostile look*

FINALLY! *

2008-06-05T22:58:00.000-07:00

So I’ve been a little sick the last few days. It started out like strep throat which, of course, hit me during our Canadian long weekend. By the time my doc’s office was open again the lurgy had morphed into a cold where antibiotics were useless. It was a weird and wonderful sniffle where I’d suddenly cough until I gagged and I’d sweat until drenched. My voice warbled, my tummy grumbled and I was very out of sorts. One of those kinds of viruses that make you feel like ass but don’t quite knock you on it. Being upright felt terrible but lying in bed was worse; really boring.

While I missed a much needed haircut and a consultation for laser hair removal (what a sexy theme) I did manage to go an ‘Emergency Preparedness’ seminar at my local community centre. I was asked to attend as I am on-call for a week every month or so for emergency situations in my apartment building. We don’t have an on-site manager after business hours so some tenants, including me, were hired to be available if the shit hits the fan. Figuratively. If any real shit hits any actual fan and causes a big mess then that is the tenant’s problem and isn’t considered a real emergency and, therefore, not my responsibility. However, if the fecal collision causes fire, flood or injury then I’m the one who calls the authorities and lets them into the building.

So what I thought was an informal chat about general emergency situations turned out to be an emotional plea from a uniformed fireman to get it into our thick heads that an earthquake, THE BIG ONE, was imminent and we should all GET PREPARED!

Now if you live on the West Coast you have heard your whole life that there is going to be a HUGE earthquake; sometime between the next minute and 600 years. This sort of time-frame doesn’t really light a Boy Scout fire under my butt to ‘Be Prepared’ with any kind of urgency.

Well sisters and brothers, after 4 hours in gory detail of what to expect when (not IF, dammit, but whennnnnnn…) The Big One hits I have been converted. I am now a card carrying fear monger. I’ve been spreading the anxiety to others and, to practice what I preach, spending the last few days compiling my emergency kit and making list of what I need to know to survive in the urban wilderness sans water, food and a toilet.

In the past, when thinking about what I would do in event of an actual earthquake I have to admit to assuming that, yeah, there will be a jiggle or two and I could just wander down to the local community centre, my nearest emergency resource location, and get water, food and medical assistance as I needed. Even seeing all the terrible news footage of the big California quake in the 90’s and what happened after Katrina I still managed to blame that on crappy building codes and stupid government policy. I rationalized that the Canadian government actually took care of its citizens and that we (the grand yet ambiguous we) had our shit together and would be taken care of.

Oh ho! Soooooo not the case. Denial was my bedmate but now I sleep alone. Afraid and alone. All sorts of acronyms were thrown at me but the one that sticks in my mind the most is YOYO. That, my friends, translates to You’re On Your Own. I learned that it will be at least 72 hours, if not several days, before anybody can expect any kind of assistance from authorities and aide workers. OMG! That means unless you provide the basics for yourself you are SOL. And if that is the case nobody will be there to hear your whining so STFU. Also BYOB. I packed water but vodka would work too.

So many interesting points were brought up, yet the one foremost in my mind was the suggestion to pack garbage bags into your emergency kit as it is likely your toilets will no longer work and you basically have to poop somewhere. Fabulous. The Bag of Shame.

* Um, actually this post is about a week old and I still have to catch you all up on even more recent news. Also my Bloglines isn't working right so I have to catch up on all your blogs as well. Bear with me. I'll be around, I promise.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Snuggle Time With Mrtl

2008-05-09T20:19:00.000-07:00

I was very thrilled to have been able to meet with Mrtl and Mr. Mrtl this week. On their way to their new digs in the Deep Dark South they drove through my wee town and we met up for breakfast. This was a landmark moment for me as it was the first time I've eaten in a restaurant in over 3 years. I went out for lunch with my folks within a few days of my cancer diagnosis and had such a raging panic attack I had to flee the premises. I hadn't eaten out since. So I decided that meeting The Mrtls was the perfect time to test my new brain chemistry. SUCCESS!

I had a giant pancake.

After breakfast Mr. Mrtl left us gals to go do his Man Stuff so I took Mrtl back to my place to meet Yoshi. The key to a successful Yoshi interaction is to show no fear, ignore her at first and then just start to pet her like you are not expecting to become intimate with her claws and teeth. Obviously Mrtl is well versed in Insane Feline Psychology as she not only pet Yoshi but held her tense little body without bloodshed.Seemingly Sweet Encounter (actual life threatening situation)

After a thorough fur removal from our clothing we hopped in my car and drove to Granville Island where we walked through all the stores and drooled over the food.

Exactly why sneeze guards were invented.

We tootled to Walmart for some necessities and then had a coffee in the mall.

Back at my place after further Yoshi harassment we both chatted with Susie on the phone for a bit. That was pretty damned cool. And surreal. There I was sitting in my apartment with Mrtl talking with Susie Fairchild. I almost expected Bucky to come dancing out of my bedroom wearing assless chaps.

The sun was shining and the temps were balmy so Mrtl and I took a walk through Stanley Park and visited the local Cupcake Consumption Facility on Denman Street. We figured we'd done enough walking to have spare calorie units to spend. I had to sample a new flavour so I am officially overdrawn. *button pops off jeans*

Heron Poop Zone-Largest Urban Heron Nesting Site in North America

We finished our walk and Mr. Mrtl picked Mrtl up for the next leg of their journey. We took a farewell photo where I attempted to look cute and petite next to Mrtl who is cute and petite. No such luck.

I Has Too Menni Veggeecheezbrgrs

It was GREAT meeting you!

You can check out some more photos of our meeting at Mrtl's Place including Yoshi wearing some fabulous knitted hats compliments of the magic fingers of Mrtl.

My Own Private Store

2008-05-06T14:44:00.001-07:00

Some of you have shown interest in my fabric grocery bags. I've put them all up on FLICKR so you can check them out.

The Scoop, The Poop, The Skinny

2008-04-29T23:40:00.000-07:00

*big sigh*

You have no idea how many times I've said to myself that I HAVE to update my blog and then get totally distracted and, well, don't.

So sorry.

Here is what is happening with me lately.

I am EXTREMELY busy.

Specifically I have, with very little notice, committed to participating in a craft fair. In theory this is a great thing. In practice it means I've been up to 2-2:30 am every night madly sewing stuff to sell. I've got lavender owls (Nighty Night Owls), little zippered pouches, fabric magnets and fabric grocery bags.

I seriously lost my mind and bought a total shit load of incredibly beautiful designer fabric (like several hundred dollars worth [I am a total fabric whore at the best of times but I went overboard with this]) planning to make billions of these bags. Well, it takes about 2 hours for each bag so I am totally running out of time before I am running out of fabric. I know I can sell stuff at the Christmas craft fairs but I really want to do well this weekend so I don't feel bad for buying so much.

You know, that evil mix of guilt and high expectations and stress? I call it 'Oh My God What Have I Done!?!' - That would be me.

Did I mention that somehow I got roped into the committee that is arranging this craft fair (actually they are calling it a Art Market but it takes everything I've got not to call it a Fart Market to their faces) (you know-because it rhymes) (and because I am a 10 year old boy deep inside) so I've got that on my mind as well.

And Oh YES! I've started a little job while not time consuming is also very much on my mind. And then all the work I am doing for UrbanBeast.ca is taking up some serious time.

So the poor blog is really being ignored. So is Yoshi who punished me by pooping on my bathmat the other day. The first time she has ever done anything like that in her 10 years on this planet. The same 10 years that nearly ended when I saw the poop. But it did work as I very quickly stopped ignoring her. Very loudly too.

Anyway, so that is my life right now. Please forgive my lack of updates.

Also anybody want to buy a fabric grocery bag or 6?

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Snoozapaloooza

2008-04-11T23:57:00.001-07:00

It has been a bit of a rough week here in my body. I've been getting terrible migraine type headaches which then lead to horrible neck and shoulder spasms. If I'm not in pain I'm on painkillers or hung-over from painkillers. This is something I deal with often this time of year due to the seriously wacked out weather (you called it Squirl!) that occurs with Springtime. High pressure followed by low pressure etc. several times a day. Rain, sun, hail, lightening, sun, rain, sun, wind, cats, dogs, toads, blood filled rivers...

You get the picture.

I'm not sure which is worse; the headaches or not knowing what the frick to wear when I go out.

So this post's theme is sleeping. Something I've been doing a lot this week and something that Yoshi is exceptionally good at.

Somebody is going to need a muscle relaxant after this nap.

Sleeping in a Meerkat Manner.

Must...nibble....toes...with dipping sauce.

I'm Totally Seriously...

2008-04-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

Guess what? Another migraine looms on my horizon so I am off to bed with more Tylenol 3s. However, I shall return tomorrow (or I guess today but later on, right?). In the meantime check this out. My cross-stitch was featured on this site.

A Lengthy Excuse

2008-04-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

My typical Crush Your Cat's Head Friday post is MIA because of an unscheduled change in plans. Without warning it became Fall Asleep On The Couch Ridiculously Early Friday which unexpectedly turned into a Pukey Migraine From Hell Saturday. The next thing I knew it was the afternoon of Brutal Painkiller Hangover Sunday which then predictably lead to Catch Up On My Whole Life Monday.

Here is hoping that Running Errands All Over The City Tuesday will allow for an Obsessively Reflecting On My Boring Mundane Life Wednesday post.

Bet you can't wait.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-A Piss in the Hand is Worth Two in the Litter Box

2008-03-28T23:18:00.001-07:00

So Yoshi turned 10 years old on Monday and we celebrated with a can of crab (which she turned her nose up at) and a call from the on-call vet with a diagnosis of severe urine crystals. He seemed quite concerned and hoped Yoshi was feeling better. I had to explain that Yoshi is feeling just fine and has no symptoms at all of this condition. I just had the testing done as a routine thing at her last check-up. He was confused and told me to make the cat drink more water to flush those little suckers out.

Yeah...ok.

So she has a lovely brand new water fountain which she sniffs at and perhaps touches her tongue to but otherwise pretty much ignores. So it just sits there making gurgling noises which inspires a somewhat uncomfortable feeling in my bladder leading to the occasional pee pee dance.

I've now changed her diet from mostly dry kibble with a small serving of canned food to a very smelly large bowl of watered down canned food and a few nuggets of dry featuring actual flavour and texture. And did I mention water? Lots of water.

It is all about the water. And keeping me paranoid.

Did you know that you can't even lead a cat to water let alone make the little turd drink?

I now lurk around her litter box making sure she isn't in any pain or discomfort when she takes a wazz. She seems fine except for the very telling embarrassed posture of her tail. Madam desires privacy and what I am doing feels worse than reading a child's diary. Way worse and much weirder.

If I don't chill out I may be pissing diamonds myself before long.

Your concern bores me.

You have got to chillax.

Sparkly Pee Pee - I Has It.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-About That Time

2008-03-21T18:05:00.001-07:00

Yoshi has the most uncanny sense of time. About 3 minutes before her usual dinner hour she wakes up, climbs all over me like a monkey, thrusts her face within inches of mine and gives me this...

THIS LOOK!

Feeeeeed Meeeeeeeeeeeee!
*urgent grunting noises*

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Questions and Some Cute

2008-03-14T12:48:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! Look! A Crush Post that is not 3 days late and totally lame. Ok, I guess I can't say for sure about the lameness part. Only time will tell with that.

And now for the crush...

My mom went to Target and all she bought me was this frickin' elephant hat!

Duuuude! They are so going to kick my ass on the playground.

I know that was pretty cute but don't go yet! I still need you! I don't think I've mentioned on my blog that I have new product on www.urbanbeast.ca available for sale. Blank notecards to be exact. I do send out a newsletter every time I add stuff but if you haven't signed-up on the website you are simply not in the know about these things. So go sign-up! I'll be adding more cool stuff shortly!

Speaking of more cool stuff. Here is a poll I need you guys to check out. Help me pick what Yoshi photos I should get made into magnets. Seriously, I need help. An objective opinion, if you will. So vote!

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Dating Myself

2008-03-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

This is so awesome in so many ways I don't even know where to start.

The Curse Continues

2008-03-11T00:25:00.000-07:00

It has been a less than fun week for me. I got sick. Quite sick. In fact 2008 will forever be remembered as The Year I Puked On My Birthday And I Wasn’t Even Drunk. And if you don’t know me then you cannot fully understand how traumatic this was on a couple levels.

First of all I suffer from this pretty severely. And as such I will not get into my particular lurgie with any great details. Secondly it was my 39^th birthday. The LAST YEAR I will be in my 30s. A dinner party was planned and had to be cancelled. In fact my whole birthday weekend was a complete blur of ick and grossness.

I woke up Saturday (March 1-my birfday) quite early with terrible cramps. Whole torso cramps opposed to your typical gurgley tummy type situation. Only now that I am feeling better do I understand how sick I really was as I simply laid in bed, labour breathing through each spasm, idly thinking, “Hmmmmm…I wonder why my stomach feels so bad.” Opposed to say, calling 911 or getting my ass to my doctor.

I eventually called my folks to let them know that I was likely not going to make it to dinner citing ‘gas pains or something.’

I then took some Tylenol 3s and dozed for awhile.

Other than the cramps I felt fine.

Then I got out of bed and walked around a little.

Big mistake.

Gravity was the final incentive my gut needed and I experienced the worst Thunder From Down Under in my life. Thinking it was a good idea to drink a little to keep hydrated it was then I was joined by a disgusting rally from the northern regions.

The next few days were unpleasant to say the least.

As such I was unable to attend the Apartment Blessing and remain cursed. I wonder if my stomach flu was a clever ‘spirit ploy’ to keep me from the ceremony thereby reducing the youthful (borderline) energy I would have contributed to banishing the bad vibes or simply a pesky Norwalk virus compliments of the old people in my building. Either way, well played intestinal horrors, well played.

Spooky

2008-02-27T00:34:00.000-08:00

So I like to think I am a very enlightened, tolerant and open minded sort of gal. I have my own little quirky life filled with my own little quirky likes and dislikes and as such maintain a motto of, “Whatever melts your butter.” While I may not agree with or even remotely understand others and what they do in their lives I also don’t like to harsh on anyone’s mellow by being all judgmental and shit. Everybody has to do their own thing, right?

So along with being enlightened, tolerant and open minded I am also mentally about as mature as a teenaged boy. A very poorly brought up, over imaginative, and under stimulated adolescent male. Combine that with an uncontrollable reflex to joke about inappropriate things and I am exactly the wrong person to take to a funeral, bris, beat poet reading, truck and tractor pull, flaky art opening, or interpretive dance performance. While everybody is deadly serious, enraptured, entertained or sad I am cracking my own shit up and hoping to cause others to snicker at entirely the wrong moments with well timed snide remarks. In a caring and accepting way, of course.

I’ve been told this is a defense mechanism to avoid feeling and displaying strong emotions. I call it a cagey survival instinct. I mean, seriously? Have you seen the phlegm fly from a beat poet’s mouth or the strange and alarming bulges flaunted by unitard wearing dancers? I simply have no other recourse. It is either immaturity or complete brain strangulation.

Fortunately I am in good company. My best friend Pablo has made me promise, at his funeral, to throw myself weeping and screaming onto his casket wearing a fabulous red couture gown. Seriously, this is his wish. In the event that he outlives me I’ve asked him to discreetly pour my cremains into the shoes left outside the private dining booths at the local sushi restaurant.

Here is the thing. Next week there is to be a First Nations cleansing ritual performed on my apartment building. We have all been invited to attend. I’ve told you about the fire that broke out (was set?) in the suite above me. Since then we’ve had numerous false alarms and just a couple weeks ago another fire in a suite caused by a malfunctioning clothing dryer. There have been a few deaths of tenants (lots of elderly folks here) and issues with theft. Then throw in some wild water pipe bursts and rampant appliance failure for fun and you’ve got a decent picture of the last 18 months since the apartment building opened. Basically this place is like living in Yuppy Bagdad. I guess there has been speculation that the spirits might be pissed.

Can you see where I am going here? Intellectually I totally respect all religions and belief systems and actually quite identify with the idea of nature worship. The First Nations people were just that, Canada’s first nation. The actual land where I live was very likely the site of or very near an ancient village. Just around the corner is an honest to goddess Indian burial ground/tourist attraction thingy.

***MRTL Style Tangent-you have no idea the true implications of this post for epic personal irony and blistering schadenfreude. For YEARS my friend Pablo and I have joked whenever things go bad in our lives that we must be living on an ancient Indian burial ground. In laughing hysterics, we yell this conclusion to each other after we’ve ranted about the latest fucked up shit we’ve had fall on our respective heads. This concept is loosely based on the whole Poltergeist premise that weird things happen when your subdivision is built upon a defunct gravesite where the developers were too cheap to move the actual bodies. Our theory is that it is clearly only a matter of time before our TVs will swallow us whole and only after serious convincing will we be grudgingly ejected from our closets covered in Jell-O goo. Now factor in that it appears not only do I possibly live on a real motherfucking ancient first nation’s site but that I apparently need to kiss some spiritual ass. It truly doesn’t get any better than this, folks. A cosmic full-circle moment only achieved by the truly cursed. ***End of MRTL Style Tangent.

So this is what I am facing. I want to be supportive of my fellow tenants and help facilitate a positive and happy living situation for everyone. I am also very curious about what this ritual entails. Supposedly if I attend I will receive a personal cleansing package for my suite compliments of White Standing Buffalo, our Ghostbuster. With my health track record I could use all the help I can get. I do like the idea of a ‘house blessing’ and ‘spiritual housekeeping’ of sorts. But…

I truly do not know how I can possibly get through something like this, dignity intact and without offending pretty much everybody. You know the harder you try to contain the giggle the bigger and more uncontrollable the giggle gets? Please don’t make me have to hold anybody’s hands or drum or sing or oh-sweet-lord dance…

Dude. I’d better go clean my closet for when it vomits me out.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Sunday Snooze Report

2008-02-17T18:32:00.000-08:00

I've been busy shopping and cleaning and getting ready for my cousin to visit on Monday. She is almost 20 years old so I have to make my pad as cool and groovy as possible. This is no small feat and I am, frankly, exhausted already.

Yes, I know by saying cool and groovy and pad I've just earned all 20 year olds' distain forever. Like, who totally cares?

Yoshi has been helping me out by sleeping the whole weekend and keeping her shedded fur in a small easily contained area. However, she has resorted to some creative coping postures to avoid the pungent stench caused by me scrubbing and wiping with vinegar. My apartment smells like a salad. Environmentally safe for everybody but none too pleasant for sensitive noses.

Regular cute sleeping posture.

Smell avoidance sleeping posture.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Fur Child Jamboree*

2008-02-08T13:46:00.001-08:00

Discovered a new game today...

Playing Airplane!

Checking out the horizons. Totally relaxed.

The soles of my feet are still tingling from all the purring.

God, I love my cat. Who needs kids?

* It has been brought to my attention that what I mean to type is Gymboree. As noted above I do not have kids so these errors are practically mandatory.

On Being Cool and Groovy

2008-02-05T20:39:00.000-08:00

Me: So how was your day?
Mom: Nothing went right today. I didn't get much done. It was a total fustercluck.
Me: What? Wha...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa! *chokes on own spit* Do you mean clusterfuck?
Mom: OH! Um...yeah.
Me: I like your version better.
Mom: Me too.

So from now on 'fustercluck' is an official word to be used by 74 year olds when their day goes to H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-On a Cold and Snowy Day

2008-02-01T22:55:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it isn't actually snowing today but it did on Tuesday and it is still pretty miserable out. Yoshi is hunkered down in her new snoozen furzen pretty much all the time.

However, she can still manage to look glamorous.

This photo brought to mind a certain film from waaaay back...

Is it Dr. Zhivago?

Or Star Wars?

An Update: In Case You Were Wondering

2008-01-30T19:56:00.000-08:00

So Yoshi seems to have bounced back from her tummy bug and is almost back to eating normal amounts. Sadly, my paper towel supply is sorely depleted and my carpet will never be the same again. Thanks for all your get well wishes.

You may have noticed that I twittered that I was off to the cancer clinic for an appointment. I am still going every 3 months for check-ups and so far they seem very happy with my progress. I found out something interesting as far as how they calculate survivorship, though. I’ve been counting my cancer-free status since I got the all-clear pathology test after my mastectomy in Feb. 2006. It turns out they start your cancer free countdown from your very first cancer positive biopsy test. Makes no sense to me but that is how they roll in Cancerland. So according to them I’ve actually been cancer-free (or whatever they call it) for 3 years. I thought it was 2 years next week. Hmmmm…3 years works for me!

Anyway, I think I posted a TMI list a few weeks back stating that Christmas not only brought me yummy food and great gifts but also a very grinchy bowel. I’m still trying to inspire, um, generosity in that area so I’ve been scheduled for a CT scan in a few weeks to check out all those important bits in my tummy. Nobody expects nastiness there (my blood tests came back normal) but once you’ve had cancer these everyday aches and pains cause worry and stress and, very rarely, might mean something more serious. So I have that to look forward to. It means a very early morning, large amounts of water to consume and a lot of waiting around. Well worth the peace of mind.

And thanks for all your good luck wishes to me too. Yoshi and I are so lucky to have you.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Poor Sick Muffin

2008-01-25T23:06:00.001-08:00

Laying down funny and favouring her tummy. I wish there was a kitty equivalent to ginger ale.

Poor Yoshi is not feeling well. She stopped eating last night after her 6 pm wet food dinner and barfed a couple times today. She rallied a bit and ate a little wet food for dinner tonight and then promptly yacked it up again. Poor little pooper. But she just ate a little more food a few minutes ago and it seems to be staying down. I hate it when she is sick because she is normally such a healthy cat. Also because she never manages to hurl on the linoleum parts of the apartment. Only on the beige carpet part and exactly where I walk most.

I took her to the vet on Monday for just a check-up. I do that every couple of years to confirm that she is healthy and happy. Since she is going to be 10 years old this March they suggested a geriatric blood panel to look at her function levels. I got a call that I have to bring her in again for a re-check as her kidney functions were a little off. Could be very early kidney issues or just stress. Considering how she tried to climb down the back of my sweater during the exam I am thinking it is probably the stress. However, I think she might have picked up a stomach virus while at the vet. So many germs there. They also shaved half the fur off her neck and chest to take the blood sample so there will be no more costumed photo-shoots for a few weeks until that grows back. It didn't occur to me to mention she is a world famous calendar model.

So poor, poor Yoshi. And poor me as the sole clean-up crew. And poor carpet too.

Addicted to Lube

2008-01-24T13:18:00.000-08:00

I've been seeing little blurbs here and there on the internet about people who are desperate for chapped lip relief and pining for their favourite lip balm that always seems to be missing when they need it most.

FYI!

Not all lip balm is created equal.

Over the years working as a film costumer I've spent a lot of time in the company of make-up artists and I've gleaned a lot of very interesting and helpful information about skin care products and the like. Industry secrets, so to speak.

For instance:

-do not spend a fortune on face cleansers-Cetaphil is simply superior to most fancy skin products. It is non-allergenic and fragrance free and super gentle. And fairly inexpensive. AND available in bulk at Costco.

-I've discovered that most make-up artists use Maybelline's Great Lash Mascara. Not some super fancy brand. I've occasionally seen an actress insist on Lancome or Dior but even the most fancy of actresses know that Great Lash is a great mascara. Soft black seems to be the colour make-up artists use the most. And it costs well under $10. Which is good when you should be replacing your old germy container every few months.

But the greatest cosmetic swindle I learned about is lip balm. Here is the thing, any lip care product that contains menthol is DRYING! In effect it makes your lips feel cooler (and less painful) in the short term but actually makes you dependant on the product overall. What happens with products that either cool or warm your skin (lip balm, sore muscle rub etc.) is they only override your nerve endings which distracts them from sending pain signals to your brain. The cooling/warming confuses your pain receptors for a short time.

So lip balm like Carmex, Burt's Bees and others that contain menthol (or feel cool on your lips when applied) just dry out your lips and make things worse. In effect you become addicted to them for the temporary cooling sensation they provide and the whole time they make your lips dryer and more painful.

So what could you use instead?

Petroleum jelly based products like Vaseline, Labello (what I use) and others that make your lips feel coated and slippery BUT NOT COOL!

So there you go. I never thought I'd ever write a beauty post but I thought I'd pass on the lube to you.

Adventures in TV Watching

2008-01-22T21:42:00.000-08:00

Found while perusing the online TV program schedule:

There are problems and then there are problems...

Viewers don't want to be encountering these kinds of problems on TV or in real life.

I gave it a miss and read a book.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Yoshi's Kitchen Nightmare

2008-01-18T21:05:00.000-08:00

Every blue moon I cook up a huge pot of tomato sauce to spoon into small serving sized containers for my freezer. I hate cooking so this is the only way I can avoid scurvy. One nasty cooking hour resulting in several wondrous microwaving minutes at later dates.

Yoshi should count her blessings that this phenomenon doesn't happen more regularly because her aversion to the smell of onions being cut up is very dramatic and fraught with anguish and despair.

As I start chopping the onions (said in a Creole accent-Onyons!) I can see her out of the corner of my eye sniffing the air with a decidedly peevish cast to her ears.

Then the obsessive head tossing and lip smacking begins.

This part lasts for several minutes.

By this time most likely the onions are in the skillet and the worst is over. My streaming eyes have stopped leaking. But Yoshi? Oh no. She's not finished.

She then runs to my bedroom and starts her pitiful wailing.

Woe, woe, my EYES! They pain me! You are a horrible person to perpetuate such dastardly deeds against my frail person!

I go to her and pet her a little.

It is not enough.

She looks at me, ears at half mast and blinks. And blinks. And blinks some more.

What she wants is for me to wipe away her tears.

Yes, tears. She actually has tears.

I get a tissue and wipe away her tears. Cooing sweet nothings to her.

But too soon I have to return to my cauldron of poison.

And then the whole thing starts again until the sauce is finished cooking and packed away in the freezer.

Actual cat tears.

Actual snotty nose.

Crush Your Cat's Head Monday-Being Flexible

2008-01-14T22:56:00.000-08:00

Friday, Monday, whatever...

Bath Time
Getting Warmed Up

Entering The Clean Zone

Employing the Gene Simmons Technique

Sampling a Juicy Drumstick

Nibbling on Deeelishus Toes

Exhausted and Ready For a Nap

The Written Equivalent to Nyquil

2008-01-09T23:58:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what I could write about for my first official non-Yoshi related post for 2008. I was hoping to come up with a story from the holidays or some new personal conclusion for the New Year but I’ve got nothing. Well, nothing very interesting anyway. Things have been rather scattered lately and so have my thoughts. Not a bad thing but not great for a decent blog post. In point form here is what is new with me:

-I had a good Christmas with my family and there was lots of great food and company yet I emerged from the season feeling somewhat empty. This is nobody’s fault but my own. Despite my best intentions I got caught up in the petty stresses of the holiday worrying about shopping and The Perfect Gift and if this was enough for that person and that was too much for this person. You know what I mean. So I’ve decided that Christmas 2008 will be different. I don’t know what that will mean and what will change but I really want to regain some sort of joy and happiness in the whole process. There are no kids in my family so I cannot enjoy Christmas through their eyes. I am not religious so a church type holiday celebration won’t work. We’ll see. Maybe a trip. Maybe some volunteering. Maybe boycotting the whole thing. I don’t know yet…

-I went out of my comfort zone and attended a New Years Day dinner at my brother’s grandmother-in law’s house. Did you get that? Anyway, right at the beginning of dinner I had a raging panic attack, nearly gagged up my food and couldn’t eat for the rest of the night while doing everything in my power not to run screaming from the building. Fabulous.

-The Yoshi Calendar did very well! Thanks to everybody who bought one and/or pimped it to their friends and family. I sold out my small printing run of 250 and have blank note cards in the works featuring photos from the calendar. I’ll let you know when they are available. More stuff is in the works too. Hopefully T-shirts and some new photos featuring The Furface Herself.

-So yeah, about the above mentioned note cards. Just when I think I’ve got everything figured out and on a good time-line the little things always ferk me up. The packaging I ordered for the cards got lost by UPS and was delayed for over two weeks. The parcel showed up in shreds. The contents were alright but it really bugged me since they charge an exorbitant brokering fee to bring things over the border on top of hefty shipping costs. I’m thinking of getting a post box in Blaine, Washington and bringing things through customs myself. That would mean about a 1.5 to 2 hour round trip drive. Not sure if it would be worth it. No wonder everything in Canada is so damned expensive.

-AAAAAAND you’d think getting a common sized envelope in a colour other than white with some recycled content would be easy. Well, not so much. Once again I am struggling to find envelope suppliers in Canada (I’ve given up on something local) to meet my very basic needs. Of course the few I can find are in Ontario which means at least a week for shipping. I live in a big city! Why is this so complicated?

-It won’t stop raining out and on top of that it is also very cold.

-I got these awesome bed sheets for Christmas.

-I wish I knew Photoshop and how to do a web site and such. I have a great graphic designer friend helping me and I LOVE what she has done but I WANNA DO IT TOO! Collaborate! I love that stuff. I plan on taking a Photoshop course this year so I don't feel so ignorant.

-My dad’s hip is healing up well and he just started physio yesterday. They had him put some weight on his leg for the first time. This is good as the man is getting stir crazy not being able to get out and about.

-I got so brutally constipated over the holidays I had to go to the doctor. It is supposed to be the season for giving but my bowels were acting very selfishly.

Well, Yoshi is snoring on the chair behind me and it is almost midnight. Snooze time for me. This post probably put you to sleep as well. Good night!

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Furry Purry

2008-01-04T20:24:00.001-08:00

Yoshi's Christmas gift this year was this cozy bed that she can burrow into or sleep on top of. It is her very own personal Body Ugg.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Trollie Goodness

2007-12-28T21:52:00.000-08:00

Hope everybody had a great Christmas and is ready to take on 2008 and kick ass! Yoshi and I sure am.

I've been blogging for almost 3 years and until the other day have never had any significant troll action. Lo! 2007 would not be complete without breaking that little charmed era and this lovely ANONYMOUS comment showed up in my Inbox relating to a past Crush Your Cat's Head Friday post:

you are all very sick fucks, i would love to crush your fucking heads and see how you like it

Well...crack my shit up!

First of all that video was 'banned' ages ago because me lovingly poking my cat was deemed inappropriate. Let's just talk a little bit about inappropriate behavior, shall we? In the last couple weeks Yoshi has farted on me numerous times, copiously vomited on my TV remote controls, wrecked shit, deposited some seriously stinky poos, hissed at my dad, bossed me around and turned her nose up at tasty offerings.

Don't see anybody protecting me from her, do you?

Anyway, I thought about how sick a fuck I was (I cannot speak for the rest of you) and decided to re-enact the offending video and was reassured that, yes, there is no doubt that Yoshi LOVES being poked. If only I had hooked her up to a throat mike for maximum purrocity there would have been no question about who is actually the sick fuck in the equation. Clearly not me. Yoshi loves the gentle abuse. I could also hypothetically add she loves being spanked and having her fat rolls manhandled.

Admitting that will probably get me arrested...

Dude. Chillax.

Wishing You All The Best!

2007-12-24T22:50:00.001-08:00

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Santa's Watching

2007-12-21T23:36:00.000-08:00

BUSTED! She thinks it is helping while I know it means little white hairs all over my freshly laundered navy top.

Fleeing the scene of the laundry crime.

BUSTED! Being told off for biting. She thinks it is merely justice for making her get off my lap. I know it is spite and sheer badness from a 9 lb dictator.

Fleeing that crime too.

If she keeps this up this year Santa will put a dog in her stocking.

Can You Fear Me Now?

2007-12-19T23:33:00.000-08:00

My mom, at the age of 74, just got her first cell phone on Monday.

Me-I guess this means you'll be calling me a million times a day.
Mom- NO! Why would I do that?
Me-Because you can.
Mom- *evil giggle*

Kalki wrote a while back about things that make her feel like an adult. I asked my mom and she said using her new phone made her feel that way. I guess this means you are never too old to feel like a grown-up.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday*-Deck the Halls with Sounds of Snoring

2007-12-15T00:01:00.001-08:00

*Dammit! Missed Friday by 2 minutes!

Clearly Very Excited About the Holiday Season

Crush Kranki's Empty Head Tuesday + A Plug For a Cool Thing

2007-12-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

I am thinking I should rename ‘Crush Your Cat’s Head Friday’ into ‘Crush Your Cat’s Head Whenever You Remember and Haven’t Fallen Asleep On The Couch Tuesday.’

Ahem…

So a few weeks ago the fabulous Leigh-Ann who runs The Blog Pound as well as Wee Paws sent me a cool little item that would make an excellent gift for the holidays. Or for anytime, really. It is called ‘Messages From Your Animal Companions’ and it is a oracle deck of cards based on getting into the complex minds of the animals you love. Basically what you do is think of a question for or ask for information about any animal you know, like your cat or your sister’s dog or even your neighbour’s python. We are not talking about the human animal types like ex-husbands or crazy first dates. You think about what you want to learn about the animal from this deck of cards and shuffle them up. You then pick a couple cards and see what they say.

The cool thing is this oracle deck is made up of cards that cover many thoughts and concerns an animal might have. There are cards for being sad, being scared, being happy, being sick and other variations. It is very well thought out and covers many scenarios.

The first time I used the deck I asked how Yoshi was feeling about the calendar and dressing up for it. The card I got was that she was feeling either under or over worked. Since I have been the one glued to my computer and running all over town as she sleeps the day away I decided to take the card as meaning she would like to do more Yoshi photo-shoots. The next question I asked was why Yoshi didn’t like Lulu my Almost Dog and the card that came up was ‘Conflict.’ Need I say more?

I then took the cards over to a friend's house (the one who adopted Lulu) and pulled some cards about her cat, Winston, the Catnip Thief. The first card that came up was ‘Ears’ and the spooky part is that his ears have been very infected over the last few days. So out of 55 cards the exact health issue bothering the cat was chosen. Cool, huh? One of the cards picked for Lulu was something about her feeling safe and cared for which made me all veklempt. And Xiola, well, her card said she liked things just the way they were which pretty much sums up Xiola; she is a happy and content doggy.

I few days later I did a little session about Yoshi and the cards didn’t make any sense at all. Perhaps my ‘vibe’ was off or I didn’t ask the right question. Or Yoshi was playing with my mind.

So, while I wouldn’t advocate using these cards to diagnose health issues instead of visiting your vet they are quite fun in a light-hearted way. Overall the results were eerily bang-on.

Leigh-Ann sells these cards to raise funds for her animal rescue. You know how I feel about getting money to the poor beasties so if you need a gift for an animal owner and lover these would make an original and interesting choice.

So thanks, Leigh-Ann, for passing this cool deck of cards my way. Perhaps, over time, I can slowly unravel the enigma that is Yoshi and finally begin to understand what makes that little cat tick.

Yoshi Being Overworked and Underpaid

2007-12-05T22:43:00.000-08:00

There is so much I could post about. Usually I am frantically shuffling through my brain to try to find something glamorous or even slightly interesting in my boring day to day life to relay to you. However there has been a fairly decent amount of mildly interesting stuff going on. Not glamorous but not heinously dull either.

I could rant about the absolutely appalling customer service situation I recently found myself in but things are not quite resolved and I can feel a story of high drama possibly in the making so I’ll save that for when things pan out-either in a fizzle or in a bang. Only time will tell.

I could also tell you all about my parents celebrating their 50^th wedding anniversary last Friday. It was also my mom’s birthday and my sister-in-law and I cooked a Mexican themed dinner for the family. It worked out pretty good. Since my dad is still not able to get around on his healing-but-still-not-strong broken hip we are planning a fabulous summer garden party in 2008. I can guarantee there will be some outrageous photos from that. We are doing a theme and that is all I am going to tell you about it now.

What I am going to post about today is about actually experiencing huge moment in my life that I have pictured happening over a million times in my brain but like most epic life experiences didn’t exactly turn out like I hoped. Not extra bad or extra good but just different.

At the end of October I went to see my boyfriend, Henry Rollins, at one of his spoken word performances. I don’t think I’ve missed one of these in over 10 years. I’ve been a big fan of his for a long time and I have consistently found spooky and odd little coincidences in many of his shows.

I risk sounding like a psychopathic stalker but there have been so many similarities in rant topics, words and phrases and even books read or music listened to between us it is always interesting to go to his show and see what ‘thing’ we happen to have in common this year. For instance he’ll talk about some obscure band he recently hung out with and I will have just heard that same band out of the blue the week before. Stuff like that. Stuff that ultimately means nothing but that I stubbornly and intentionally misconstrue to mean that we are wildly compatible.

*gack*

Anyway, I have always wanted to meet him. I tell people I just want to shake his hand but in my sad, lonely, fantasy dreamscape what I really want to happen is to shake his hand and for him to gaze into my eyes and find me captivating, fascinating, infinitely intelligent and an all ‘round gorgeous gal (all this occurs to him in the split second our hands touch, mind you). We then fall into scintillating conversation where he finds my witty remarks and quirky outlook precious and endearing. I dazzle him with my insights and ironic life observances and we enter an exciting, fulfilling relationship where the fact he is tortured, on the road constantly, an aging rock icon and a US citizen and that I have no real job, constant panic attacks, a jiggly bum and freakishly scarred boobies only enhances our eerie sexual and intellectual connection.

TOTALLY deluded, I know but I never claimed to be logical. Or sane.

So here is what happened. In one of his newsletters or on his radio show he mentioned he would be very happy to meet with fans and sign autographs outside his tour bus at each venue. This announcement spun me into conflicting emotions-a desire to meet him and loathing the thought of anybody possibly mistaking me for a groupie. I decided to see how things looked after the show and decide then if I would be willing to debase myself to lurk around a rock-star’s bus to fulfill my dreams.

I waited outside the venue where his bus was conveniently parked with my sis-in-law for a few minutes freezing our asses off seeing if he would come out. Pretty soon a small crowd began to gather which consisted of a few very young street-punky looking teenage girls who were loudly talking about whether they would make it to the last bus running to their suburb. Then some young guys with posters, CDs and books to be signed started trickling over and my 38 year old fogey self bailed out and decided to leave. I was simply embarrassed to be there.

I walked to my parked car and found myself having to drive past the venue to get onto the main thoroughfare to get home and lo’ there he was, in the middle of a small crowd, in all his glory. AND lo’ there was a parking spot (the only one in this very busy area) which I quickly turned in to thinking, It is FATE! The universe really does work. I got out, fluffed my hair, gummed off any possible lipstick on my teeth and joined the group.

And I was obviously and very clearly the oldest one there. By a lot.

I also don’t ever think about getting an autograph so I had nothing for him to sign either.

After waiting for a few minutes I tapped him on the shoulder and stuck out my hand which he shook.

Me: Thank you for coming.
Him: Thank you for having me.

He looked at me in such a way I suddenly realized that he was possibly thinking I might be affiliated with the theatre and maybe was going to hand him a cheque or paperwork or something.

My mouth got very dry and with a grimace of excruciating shyness I blurted out something about how I enjoyed his radio show. He was very kind and talked about that for a few sentences and then somebody else tapped him on the shoulder and he turned away.

I walked to my car and drove home hardly believing it all happened.

He is much slighter than I thought he’d be. I am taller than he is. His hand was small in mine. I didn’t dazzle him. I didn’t stand out in any way. Our souls didn’t meld in a cosmic explosion of perfection. I’ll never cross his mind again.

It was still pretty cool.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Last of the November Sunshine

2007-12-01T00:10:00.001-08:00

When I wake up in the morning it is often the result of Yoshi walking all over my head and poking me in the face. Before I even open my eyes I can guess whether the sun is shining based on the amount of attention Yoshi lavishes on me. The sunnier it is the more persistently she pokes and prods. After I give in to the pressure and get out of bed I walk over to my living room window, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and raise the blinds. If it is bright and sunny out Yoshi will run across the room and leap onto the sill emitting this excited growling noise deep from her throat. Pure joy.

When I get up from my computer after the kettle has boiled to make my morning tea I more often than not return to find my seat taken.

Fabulous Yoshi Stuff - AKA-Pimpin' My Cat

2007-11-28T13:04:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! Time is running out on the Yoshi Calendars. Canada Post's suggested deadline to get items to you by Christmas is December 10th. Do you need a fun office gift? Short on stocking stuffers? How about a hostess gift when you do your Holiday Party rounds?

AND! Introducing Yoshi Christmas Cards

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Oooops!

2007-11-26T21:19:00.000-08:00

Um...yeah...about last Friday where I totally left you hanging without the weekly crush? My brain skipped a synapses or twelve and I totally forgot. I got all ferked up with the last crush being posted on Monday and I suddenly realized this weekend that I had forgotten.

Sorry.

And then my grand plans once again went awry. You remember how Yoshi boogered up my wonderful idea to video her freaking out over the fabulous catnip toy Leigh-Ann sent her. And then she loved up the baggie the toy came in. Well, I went over to my friend's house to see how her cat, Winston, would react to the nip. I wanted to video his joyful plunge into a catnip buzz to end all buzzes. I hoped that I would catch his writhing and moaning self for all to see.

Except the little shit snuck into my purse and stole the toy when my back was turned.

So no, I have no actual proof but I think we can all agree that the catnip toy was a huge success.

Keep an eye out at Wee Paws for 'From the Field' catnip products.

Grand Theft Catnip

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Monday Edition

2007-11-19T22:51:00.000-08:00

Feeling much better thanks! And to make it up to you for my lack of Friday posting I offer you a video. The lovely Leigh-Ann from The Blog Pound and Wee Paws Animal Sanctuary sent Yoshi a wonderful catnip toy for her to try out and give feedback on. Things didn't go quite as planned.

Who am I kidding? Yoshi pulls this shit all the time.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-drool

2007-11-16T22:56:00.000-08:00

Postponed due to superfabulousfeeln'goodwannalaydown migraine meds. Will crush Yoshi once spinning stops.

Weeeeeee!

Right of Passage

2007-11-13T21:51:00.000-08:00

I was not so fondly recollecting all my past wounds and woes a while ago and suddenly came to a startling realization; I am half cursed. Not wholly, completely or utterly cursed but only demi cursed. Specifically on my right side. If something is going to go wrong with me it disproportionately happens to the right side of my body.

For instance:

-Back in my college grocery gal days I pulled my right lower back and sprained my right wrist. I also got carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist after a couple years. Most of this can be explained as I am right handed so that side of my body would suffer the most wear and tear.

-Same when I got attacked by the huge dog. It ripped a chunk out of my right forearm and right foot. Also logical as you’d think that is what arm and leg I’d use to protect myself first therefore being first in the line of fire. But the dog also bit my left arm and didn’t break the skin.

-Once I fell and sprained my right foot. I’ve never sprained my left foot or wrist or anything on my left side at all.

-Then about 9 years ago I noticed a lump forming under the right side of my jaw which was diagnosed as an AVM. Had that surgically removed with no problems and didn’t think much of it.

-Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. You guessed it. RIGHT BOOB!

-Recently I wrote about how I got the eyelid herp on…MY RIGHT EYE!

-Just a couple weeks ago I had to get a bone scan due to right foot pain which turns out to be arthritis. I am a little young for it but since it is on my right side I am not shocked at all.

-I nearly forgot to mention that when I get migraine headaches it is always on the right side of my head. Always.

-Then last week I got a staph infection on my thumb. Wait for it…MY RIGHT THUMB. And from that pain and stiffness has been creeping into my other fingers. Serves me right for hanging out at so many hospitals and clinics.

What the frick is this all about? Do I need to sprinkle salt on my right side? Or Holy Water, perhaps? Do I get a half price deal for a shaman to bless my right side? Do I have to do something about the left hemisphere of my brain to benefit my right bits?

Anybody got a theory?

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Evoking Mange

2007-11-09T23:04:00.001-08:00

Normally, my evenings are spent at home, in comfy clothes, working at my computer, harassing the cat or watching sleazy TV. Well, if you know me you'll be very surprised to hear that I spent my Friday evening at a friend's book launch party. Now this is not just any ordinary friend but the fabulous lady who is helping me with my anxiety disorder.

Over the years I've seen over half a dozen different therapist type folks and although they have tried to help I cannot help but remember the puzzlement in their eyes while I described my issues and symptoms. I found Anna through the internet on a site she mediates and even though the site was based in the UK she lives in my city. I emailed her and she agreed to take me on.

I can say with complete certainty that this awesome chick gets me. Really truly gets where I am coming from. I honestly believe that she gets me like NOBODY else on this planet does. If she were a guy I'd stalk her like my boyfriend, Henry Rollins. Instead I blurt out inane things and she laughs and nods her head because somehow, someway, it makes sense to her.

I cannot explain how much this means to me.

Actually I can. Tonight I crawled off the couch and shed my manky Pjs and not only showered AND shaved my legs but I actually put on a skirt. It has been a couple years since I've worn girl clothes. AND I wriggled into a pair of tights. Now that, my friends, is HUGE. I despise pantyhose type items with a passion. It has easily been over 5 years since I've worn tights. Maybe even longer. AND, this is epic, people, I put on make up AS WELL.

Not even when I saw my boyfriend, Henry Rollins, in concert last week did I put on tights and a skirt. But I did it for Anna because she is so cool.

I so rarely go out where there might be people which may require me to engage in social chit chat. I feel completely inept and paralyzed and sick and trapped. It's that anxiety thing I was talking to you about. But I knew Anna would understand if I lost my shit and started clucking like a chicken in the middle of her party so I sucked it up and got off the couch. The whole night I wore one of those deer in headlights sort of gazes and at one point a guy approached me and asked me if I was ok and told me that I looked lonely.

Lord.

Anyway, Anna has written a book and if you are at all interested in creating positive change in your life this may be what you need to read. She has helped me immensely and has been very supportive of my goals. She went with me to the hospital to calm me the hell down with my last surgery and visited me afterwards. She is never mad when I have to bail on an appointment when my agoraphobia is so bad I cannot leave my house or if I am too tired due to my insomnia. She has been a huge cheerleader of my Yoshi Calendar.

So I want to share the love with y'all and link you to Anna's 'Evoking Change' Blog as well as to where you can buy her book.

And how does this affect Yoshi? Well, when the mamma is happy, the kitty is happy. So Yoshi endorses Anna's book too.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Extra Soft Crush

2007-11-02T18:24:00.001-07:00

Thank you all for your wonderful comments about Yoshi's new 2008 calendar. I really want it to do well so I'll be pimping it in the upcoming weeks. So here it is AGAIN!-visit www.urbanbeast.ca for your Yoshi calendar. Sign-up for the newsletter to be notified of upcoming news and information.

Here is Miss Yoshi relaxing on her cozy new blanket specially picked out to disguise all her shedded fur left behind after long and vigorous naps. The texture of the fabric is delightfully described as Micro-Mink. All I've got to say is that those eeensy teensy little minks sure are soft.

Stereo Crushing. Self crush on her tail accompanied by an old school 'Kids in the Hall' crush from me.

The Yoshi Calendar is HERE!

2007-10-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

This is the reason I've been so busy lately. I think you'll like it.

The website is up and running and the calendars are ready to be shipped. Please check it out and help support the SPCA.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Pushing the Envelope

2007-10-26T22:13:00.000-07:00

First of all my deepest apologies for neglecting you and your blogs. I have a lot on my plate right now and I am, frankly, not managing my time very well. Lack of practice doing all these new and confusing jobs. I've got business stuff going on and my dad's business stuff to help with along with my already copious doctor and hospital appointments to attend. Then I got this bitchin' cold which turned me into a whiny girlie girl. My energy is toast, my mood is grumpy, and I have so much to tell you but too little time and, well, ooomph to do it.

Anyway, that is why I've been such a blogging turd.

Enough about me and let's get on with the damned cat, shall we?

Today was a lovely sunny day and Yoshi was up where the sun was shining its brightest. That would be on my desk where SHE IS NOT ALLOWED! I was completely and thoroughly ignored and finally gave up shoving her butt off as I know warm sunny days will be few and far between over winter. Besides, she deserves it.

Mocking my stern demands to, "GET DOWN!"

Outright ignoring me. Notice the defiant posture.

Perhaps the printer was ever toastier.

Groaning under her weight.

Settling in for the long haul.

Clearly, I'm not going to get any work done.

Nope. None at all.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Retro Yoshi

2007-10-19T22:28:00.001-07:00

Yoshi at about 6 months. Before years of hard living and a bad catnip addiction changed her sunny disposition into a dark and bitter fugue.

**Look out for Yoshi's calendar launch next week! I'll keep you posted.**

Spooky

2007-10-17T00:53:00.000-07:00

This has been cracking me up for weeks. It never gets old.

An Update and a Physical Anomaly

2007-10-15T22:46:00.000-07:00

My dad came home today from the hospital and is carefully lurching around on his own with his giant crutches. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this but my dad is 6’5” and my mom is 5’3”. His crutches are literally almost as tall as she is.

Anyway, I got to hand over his briefcase and cell phone and he resumed his role as boss man of his business. Instead of his executive chair he is ruling the roost from the couch. I have taken a secondary role as his legs for the next month or so until he can get around on his own again.

Thanks so much for all your kind comments.

So while I cannot say I am stress free I am not at def-con 5 at this time.

In other news:

Presently I am going through an invisible stage in my life. Periodically I seriously wonder if people cannot see me because my days revolve around dodging vehicles and pedestrians who fling themselves in front of my car. I obsessively check to see if my headlights are burnt out because I just cannot believe how often I get cut off and swerved into. People fly out from dark alleys and from between cars while I slam on my brakes stopping only millimeters from their bodies. Trying to get service is next to impossible as sales clerks and wait staff walk by me like I don’t exist. People don’t return my calls or email. I could probably walk around naked and not get a second look. During these odd times I endeavor to go about my life as safely and self sufficiently as possible until my personal molecules coagulate back into a visible entity and I can get around again as a fully visible member of society.

Anybody else ever have this problem?

Craptastic

2007-10-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

Quite the day yesterday. Here is what happened.

Photographed the Yoshi calendar on Tuesday. Wasn’t happy with a lot of the first shots so I stayed up all night worrying and got up uber early yesterday and re-shot the whole thing again. Yoshi was not amused but did just fine and was a little furry trooper.
So while busy returning the camera gear and putting together all the appropriate images for my graphic designer friend I get a phone call… My dad is in the hospital emergency room. He fell while changing a light-bulb.
I run to the hospital and there he is all sad on a gurney. He has broken his hip. Fuck. I hang out there for a few hours.
Start making all the appropriate calls. My mom is on Vancouver Island on a mini holiday helping a friend and I can’t get in touch with her. Rally my bro and sis-in-law to “Man The Bedside” while I do some business stuff for my dad and deal with his car, his cell phone and his clients. Dad is feeling ok with just a couple Tylenol 3’s under his belt. All the nurses love him already.
Run to my parent’s apartment to get some stuff for him, make more calls, and email another client.
Go through a couple hundred photos and burn a disc to take to my graphic designer friend.
Return to the hospital with magazines, chocolate and books and hang out to 11 pm. Totally forget to eat all day. My thighs will thank me later.

So poor dad is going to have surgery today to replace part of his hip joint. The docs say despite his age (the nurses keep on betting each other to guess his correct age without looking at the chart. Nobody can believe he is 77. Most guess in the early 60’s range.) his bones are strong and his health is great so he’ll heal up fine and be out of the hospital early next week. He is in good spirits and pissed off and bored already. My mom should be home today in the late afternoon.

So between hospital visits, running my dad’s business and doing the Yoshi calendar I’m going to be scarce around these parts. I’ll update when I can.

Gobble Gobble Gobble

2007-10-08T20:54:00.000-07:00

I have been a very bad blogger and not posted for ages. This is for a very good reason. I’ve been working my fingies to the bone on tiny cat costumes for your near future viewing pleasure. The calendar is very close to completion. Tomorrow is the fashion shoot and I’ve started buttering Yoshi up with snuggles and compliments. So please, please, please pray for feline stable mental health and a total lack of divahood.

There may be a vK1 Behind the Meowing documentary at the end of this as well.

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving and last night my brother, sister-in-law and I went to my folks’ house for a delicious dinner. Today was spent running some errands at a north shore mall. The young lady who helped me when I returned a sweater asked me how my Thanksgiving was going. I told her about my family dinner and asked her how her Thanksgiving had been but I wasn’t really sure if she celebrated the holiday as it was obvious she was Muslim since she was wearing a head-scarf. She told me that they don’t observe Thanksgiving Day as they gave thanks everyday.

How cool is that? I mean isn’t that what we should all be doing? Really taking stock every single day of what we should be thankful for and acknowledging it and celebrating? I suggest we all get off our apathetic asses and live more consciously and positively on a daily basis and not just think about these important parts of our lives only on special occasions. So let’s think about eschewing Thanksgiving all together and adopting this new outlook.

But then she was also still fasting for Ramadan and couldn’t partake in all the yummy parts of the season.

I guess that would be the not so cool part.

Never mind.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Priorities

2007-10-05T20:15:00.000-07:00

It appears that comfort is secondary when warm and toasty toesies can be achieved.

Extreme Crush Close-up

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Flirting With Disaster

2007-09-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Extreme Chair Diving is for Pussies

A Karmic "Kick Me" Sign

2007-09-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

I must have been real real bad in a previous life because the nasty stuff keeps coming my way.

So as you read in my last post the nasty peeper wanted to be my Facebook friend. I emailed him telling his that he was a “disgusting pervert peeping tom” and that under no circumstances would I ever want to be his friend-even through Facebook. I told him never to contact me again and I then blocked him.

It just wouldn’t have worked to accept his friendship request and then call him out that way as he could delete very easily anything I said about him.

I also don’t want to engage him in any way.

I’m working my ass off on the upcoming Yoshi Calendar and things are going slower than I hoped. I will start two months earlier next year. And to add to that time crunch starting Friday workmen will be coming into my little apartment to scrape the ceiling, patch the cracks and then re-texture. Did I mention my dining room table, set up with sewing machine and glue gun, is about 4 feet from where the work will be done? Crap! I have nowhere else to work while they are doing this so I will have to work around them somehow.

And then to add insult AND injury to this I had a wonderful little appointment with my doctor today. Thursday night my right eye felt sore and I noticed a bug bite sort of thing right near the corner of my eye. I put antibiotic ointment…

**MRTL Style Tangent-I love the word ointment. It is such a great combination of sounds. Say it to yourself a few times. Try some different accents. See what I mean? End of MTL Style Tangent**

..on it but it wasn’t getting any better. So off to the doc I went today and he took one look at it and told me what was wrong.

Eyelid herpes.

Yes, I have a cold sore on my eyelid.

Fuck.

Frantically, I told my doc that I practiced safe eye-socket sex (I put my whole head in a baggie for that) and he assured me that it is merely something I picked up from life. So every public door I opened, bank machine I used, grocery cart I pushed, second hand store I rummaged through (for props for the calendar), elevator button I touched, and piece of money I handled over the last few days flashed before my eyes and I got a little queasy. Then he told me I might have been infected years ago and only now having an outbreak.

I knew I was a germ-a-phobe for a reason, washing my hands several times a day and using that antibiotic stuff too. For NOTHING!!!! Dammit!

I have to be careful the infection doesn’t actually spread to my eyeball because that would be bad. *Big Sigh* Seriously, what did I do in a previous life to deserve this? I was probably one of those guys who didn’t wash their hands after peeing and then handled food or something. Or brought small pox to the natives.

At least it wasn't cancer.

I feel like a Petri dish. Please still be my friend.

Inbox Surprise

2007-09-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

This nasty little pervert fucker just emailed me with a friend request from Facebook.

Fanfuckingtastic.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-Dreary Day

2007-09-21T21:23:00.001-07:00

There are no more sunshiny spots because of the rain and mom is busy and not paying attention to me and I am sad and cold and neeeeeedy. No amount of meowing around the house is changing anything.

Somebody is gonna pay...

Twisty and Kranki Do Vancouver

2007-09-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

A few exciting firsts occurred on Sunday which made for a very special day.

First of all I met my very first fellow blogger for reals. I connected with Twisted Uterus who is in town for a vet conference. It was a fantastic surreal experience and very cool to meet her in person. She is a bubbly and enthusiastic lady and we hit it off right away chatting up a storm that didn’t abate the whole day.

I met her in her hotel lobby at 11 am and she graced me with a wonderful TU original pottery piece which I was honoured to receive. We walked through downtown to the beach where we hopped on a water ferry to Granville Island to do some mooching around.

Cherished Giftie

It was quite crowded but very festive with all the colourful produce and other goodies. Twisty took photo after photo which turned out beautifully (check out her Flickr set and you’ll see for yourself) and we checked out the other buildings which house local artists and crafts people. We tried on funky glasses (who wouldn’t allow us to take photos) (we both found frames we liked but didn’t buy. Hers=$375 and mine were $457!) and hats and browsed handmade paper and fabrics. We then checked out the local art college which I attended several years ago. We looked at tonnes of pottery and even a groovy glass studio. I had a nice chat with a young lady whose father has a hand-made shoe studio. I used to work at a shoe store where he made all the prototypes so I was familiar with his work. We gossiped about the olden days. Well what she knew of them as she was only 3 years old at the time the olden days were happening. I saw a dream pair of clogs which are made specially to your foot measurements for only $475. Clearly, I gotta get on winning that lottery.

Checking out the weird ass tomatoes.

The Cookie Hunter

Urban Hippy Political Correctness

Waiting for the yacht valet to bring 'round our ocean chariot.

TU and I decided that instead of eating out we would get some yummy stuff for dinner at the market and eat at my place. I had some homemade tomato pasta sauce in my fridge (thankyoujesus!) so TU got the yummy fresh pasta and prawns and I got the salad stuff and cheese. We split dessert with cookies and cinnamon bun bread.

The old house where I used to live is right by the water ferry so on the way back we stopped by for a quick visit to meet up with my human friends and Lulu, Xiola and Winston The Cat. Twisty got a poochy fix and had a cuddle with Lulu who showed us all that once again she is a super sweet dog. She and Xiola showed off by playing and wrestling complete with scary fake growling and tug-o-war.

Some rainy day Lulu Lovin'.

Covered in dog hair we checked out a very cool social housing project featuring restored Victorian houses complete with running brook and goldfish pond. Next door is the Dr. Peter Aids Centre and Hospice which prompted a lively discussion about healthcare and how important it is.

I got to scope out her hotel room which was very shmancy. While there I checked out some of her photos as well. She has a gorgeous coffee-table book/album made up with her work which totally inspired me. We also talked about dating/guys and are on the same page on that. Picky, picky, picky…

Finally we made it to my place and just in the nick of time as we were both starving and pooped out from all the walking. We cooked up a delicious dinner and scarfed it all down leaving nothing on our plates. This is where the second first-of-the-day came into play. I’ve lived at my place for 15 months and this was the first time I’ve used one of my rear burners on my stove thus illustrating to TU (and now you) that I am not much of a dinner party thrower and normally lead a Kraft Dinner sort of existence.

Yoshi surprised me by being rather friendly and show-offy right away. She tried to mooch food from Twisty and was quite bad in cute ways zooming around and playing with her playzen tuben. She was so social that TU did a risky thing and tried to pick her up. Yoshi let her do it (the third first-of-the-day) but then the vibe changed and the typical Yoshi bitchiness reared its ugly head. Of course we laughed all the harder for her attitude and picked on her even more.

That cat is about as cuddly as a cactus on fire.

Perhaps some hissing for you this evening?

Asshole Cat Extreme Close-up

I drove her back to her hotel about 10 pm after a really fantastic day. I feel like I’ve made a real friend and I hope I will get to hang out with her again. TU is a talented and fun chick. I had the best time and I hope she had fun too. Thanks for the great day, Twisty!

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-The Way It Is

2007-09-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

In my last post’s comments section a few of you hoped that it might be possible to permanently integrate Lulu into The Kranki Krash Pad since Yoshi was much better with this visit.

Believe me, I was watching for all the signs this might happen.

Sadly, I know that Yoshi and Lulu are better off where they are right now. Lulu is far more confident and outgoing with her sister dog, Xiola. On her own she is nervous and prone to separation anxiety and follows me everywhere. She whimpers at the door when I am in the bathroom, for poop’s sake. She also seems upset and a little afraid by Yoshi’s hissing and spitting. I am sure this is something I could work on over time but she is so obviously happier with another dog to give her comfort and companionship.

Yoshi, while much better, was clearly out of sorts during Lulu’s visit. I know I could very easily dog-sit Lulu for short term periods but anything more permanent would be difficult. It doesn’t help I live in a small apartment and there is little room for ‘personal pet space’.

Yoshi is normally a very playful, active, talkative, and cuddly cat. While Lulu was here she didn’t play, run around, purr, or do most of her normal behaviors. She basically just kept to herself in my bedroom. So while not traumatized she was certainly not herself. In fact I missed her terribly and was very happy to see her greet me at the door when I came home from dropping Lulu off. She seemed to know the dog was gone for good and not just out for walkies. Immediately, she started zooming around the house and playing with all her toys like she usually does. Best of all she purred and cuddled with me like crazy.

I have come to realize that Yoshi is very dog-like in her devotion to me. She demands a lot of attention and interaction. I am lucky to have her in my life and she is enough for me. I am happy to be a doting doggy aunty in my spare time but over all I am a one cat woman.

Hanging Out in the Playzen Tuben

***I wanted to give y'all a heads up. I am presently doing all the demonic crafty work necessary to put out a 2008 Yoshi Calendar featuring 13 all-new costumes within a common theme. It's a surprise until I officially unveil the web-site. Let me know in the comment section or via email (crankypantsATshawDOTca) if you like this idea. There are also plans for other coolio merchandise. So think about getting some Yoshi Lovin' for Christmas gifties or for your own Krash Pad. I am working with Lulu's mom (a graphic designer) on giving you a lot of bang for your buck. Also a portion of profits will go to a pet related charity! STAY TUNED!***

Equilibrium

2007-09-12T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well, peace is restored to the Kranki Krash Pad as Lulu went home last night. I had every plan to video Yoshi moaning and groaning every time the dog came into her field of vision but within a day or so things settled down and that behavior stopped for the most part. Or at least wasn’t prolonged enough to catch on camera. By no means was a truce called but an uneasy tolerance was achieved and outbursts of serious drama were sporadic at best.

Yoshi ate fairly normally once I put her food in my bedroom which was a strict ‘No Dog Zone’ and when Lulu was crated at night Yoshi did some reconnaissance of the apartment including dropping some bombs and burying some mines in the litter box. There was also some serious feline gloating from my bed which made Lulu whimper. For the most part the cat stayed exclusively in my bedroom occasionally vying for sunshine spots when the temptation became too great.

Now she is back to playing and shedding fur over every available surface like nothing happened.

She purred like crazy this morning but her motor was rusty from disuse so it came out with squeaks and phlegmy rattles. I asked her if she needed to go to the shop for an oil change but things lubed up over a few minutes and she was running smoothly soon enough.

I had a great time with Lulu including some fabulous nature walks in the local park. These are places I don’t normally go on my own so it was nice to see these open spaces. I learned a lot about human nature as well when one time it became obvious that a man walking directly behind me on a nature path was clearly making arrangements with a call girl/escort on his cell phone.

Yes, I can hear you now.

The Beach Bum Theory - getting along because the sun has turned off their brains.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-The Wrath, Oh The Wrath

2007-09-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

So a few of you have asked me what is wrong with Yoshi due to my Yoshi Barf Watch updates on Twitter.

Lulu my Almost Dog is staying over until next Tuesday. Her momma and pappy are in Winnipeg and her sister dog Xiola is at her Grandma’s house. Lulu doesn’t like Grandma’s lab puppy so she is hanging out with me.

As usual Yoshi is pitching a fit. I will be videoing her operatic discontent for your viewing pleasure next week. If she wasn’t so miserable it would be funny.

Who am I kidding? It is funny.

When I brought Lulu home that first time Yoshi stopped eating and started puking in protest. Hence Barf Watch and Hunger Strike news.

This is how things stand now:

Yoshi ate fairly normally on Thursday, the first day Lulu arrived. By evening her Hunger Strike was in full force. However no hurling.

Today I took Lulu out of the house for 7 hours hoping Yoshi would eat and chill the fuck out. No such luck. When I got home I tempted her with tuna which she got very excited about and gobbled down. So much so that she immediately puked it up. She ate some more and that seems to be staying down. For now…

Yoshi-1
Off white carpet-0

Lulu will be here until Tuesday night. Let’s hope Yoshi can cope until then without popping a neck vein. I’ve fattened her up over the last couple weeks so she has calories to spare right now. But will it be enough…

Just now Yoshi walked within about 6 inches of Lulu and hissed and spit right in her face. Lulu ran to me for protection. I praised them both.

Don’t judge me!

This may or may not be a brand new teddy squeaky toy bought to compensate for all the hating aimed in her direction...

Uptight Dork Seeks Same

2007-09-05T22:16:00.000-07:00

Good news! I got the Flickr/Yahoo! thing all figured out. They actually have an email form you can fill out for help and they actually answer your email. Unlike some other entity I know *coughBloggercough*. They will even answer your email again when their first emailed suggestions don’t work. So long story short they automatically flipped my Flickr account into a Yahoo! account using my Flickr identity (not my email) matched with my Flickr password. I didn’t know this and when I went to sign into Flickr it linked directly to Yahoo! log-in which is already set up with my original Yahoo! account information. So now I have two Yahoo! accounts: my original one and the one they made out of my Flickr account. Hence the issue with log-in. Now that I know about this second account I have access.

So yeaaaaay!

And what the fuck where they thinking?

So I was in the car today with my mom and we were talking about people and how often just a few wreck it for the majority. We hear this a lot from my dad who is a property manager and looks after several buildings in the downtown area. Most have on-site managers but a couple small ones don’t so he gets to deal with issues first hand. With all the crazy stuff my poor dad has to handle with tenants it is a miracle he hasn’t lost his mind. I know I’d freak out.

And the weird thing is that so many of these people don’t even think about how their so-called little lapses accumulate and add up to some serious hassle.

So after gossiping about various people we have heard about who live their lives selfishly thereby negatively affecting others I came to this conclusion,

“There are people who notice stuff and people who just don’t.”

I happen to be one of those people who notice stuff. Unfortunately I notice stuff in such minute detail it is actually a huge pain in the ass. Cleaning my apartment is often hell. I start on the big stuff and then get lost in the tiny stuff. I hate fingerprints and notice them on my desk top, cabinets, and glass. Don’t even talk to me about smears. Stains freak me out. It is not so much that I am a neat freak because I am actually not. It is just small imperfections are incredibly obvious to me.

Chips in the paintwork, spotted chrome, crooked pictures, dead leaves on plants….

I don’t know why.

For instance every time I wash my floors I wash the outside of my front door too. I polish the door knob and knocker and wipe off all the scuff marks on the base of the door from the toes of my shoe. You know those black marks from when you use your foot to push the door open if your hands are full?

But every day when I walk down the hallway of my building to get to my apartment I notice all the dirty scuffed marked and fingerprinty doors of my neighbours and wonder how they do not notice the dirt and clean their doors.

I then have to remind myself that most people just don’t notice this stuff. They are not bad or nasty. They just don’t see.

But what pisses me off is when some asshole spills half their latte down the wall of the elevator and doesn’t clean it up. Or lets their dog poop in the lobby. Or leaves dirty panties behind in the laundry room. How can you not notice that stuff?!?! Is it that they don’t notice or don’t care?

Sadly, us folks who notice stuff always appear like uptight bitchy dorks to those who don’t notice.

But even though I can get driven to distraction by these details they can also delight me in strange ways.

I recently bought some fabric to make pillows exactly because if you look reeeaaaallly close at the pattern it is filled with all sorts of weird and wacky shit. To just glance at it you would think it was some sort of childish fabric.

Oh no! No, no, no, no no….

"Hey Fluffy Bunny! I'm Timmy Raccoon. Can I play with you and your scythe?"

"OK! While I build a boat you dig a grave..um...I mean a cool hole!"

"Haha! See ya, Timbo! Hope you like swimming without a life-vest!"
"Why I LOVE swimming Fluffy Bunny! Wait for me!"

"Oh Hey! Feel like a campfire?
"Why yes, Fluffy Bunny, I do although my blue vest is knitted from nice cooling asbestos."

But Mister Bunny was bored of Timmy Raccoon and wanted to go home for a snack.

Bye bye, Timmy Raccoon.

The End.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-MY HEAD is in Jeopardy Today

2007-08-31T12:23:00.000-07:00

I’ve never claimed to be a patient person but right at this moment I am losing my fucking mind. So much so that Yoshi is in danger of a head crushing for reals. After my own head explodes.

Ok, here is the thing.

I went to sign-in to my Flickr account today and was immediately diverted to a Yahoo sign-in page. Ok, whatever. I know all about how these sites buy each other out so I did what they told me and signed into my Yahoo! account. It then took me to a page where it asked if I wanted to start up a new Flickr account or associate my old one with my Yahoo! account. Well, obviously, yes, I would very much like to merge the two accounts opposed to starting up a new one. So it asked me to provide my Flickr account ID and password to do that.

This is where it gets very ugly.

I have all my log-ins and passwords saved per Windows XP’s auto-prompt security feature so I haven’t actually had to physically type in my Flickr info since I started the account a few years ago. But for some reason when prompted this time to log into Flickr my computer didn’t automatically fill in my info. I had to do it manually.

No biggie because to keep things simple I use the same email address and password for pretty much everything frivolous like this. I know this is supposedly dangerous but I figure if anybody wants to hack into my Flickr account and mess with my Yoshi costume pics they can do it. It would probably crack me up more than annoy me.

So I entered my info and Flickr told me that it was wrong.

This is slightly possible as it has been a couple years since I had to type in this info myself and I might have done something different password-wise that long ago in a fit of originality. Yet I am about 95% sure I’ve got the right password. Sadly I am just not very original that often.

Well, it gives you the option to click on that dreaded “Lost Your Password?” link where you have to answer a bitch million questions to retrieve your info. So I did that and it gave me my info. Except it is the ID and password to my Yahoo! account and not my Flickr one.

WTF!?!

I tried it anyway to see if they had automatically merged my two accounts together and they now both had the same password but they don’t. It doesn’t work. I still get prompted to enter my original Flickr password etc. WHICH ALSO DOES NOT WORK!!! Because it is apparently wrooooooooonnnnggggg!

I have now entered a cyclic hell of internet password angst. I cannot access my Flickr page anymore and I cannot seem to find the right path to get that crucial info retrieved.

Can somebody heeeeeeellpp meeeee and get my frickin’ blood pressure down? I’ll bake you cookies!

Yoshi's New Favourite Sleeping Position:

Hiding Head From Potential Crushing

Who Needs Fiction When You Have This Kind of Life.

2007-08-28T20:57:00.000-07:00

Things have been very busy around the Kranki Krash Pad. I’ve done things, seen things and traveled to far away places this week. Get all cozy under your covers and I’ll tell you a bedtime story or several.

I consider myself a very mild mannered person. I don’t yell, I don’t hit and I certainly don’t freak the fuck out. If I find myself in a bad situation I try to rise above it all and emerge unscathed and well established on the higher road. Until last week.

So I was in this suburban mall parking lot.

I know! Most of you are all, “Yeah! I know where this is going!” and you are probably right. I had backed out of my parking spot and was just cranking the wheel over to go forward and out of the lot when this woman in a van pulls up to my front bumper. Reeeeaaaaally close. I drive a full sized early 90’s 4-door Jetta so this isn’t some tiny car that zips around tight spaces. I need a little room to move. So there I am backed up so my rear bumper is right up to a parked car behind me and I need that room in front to turn my car so I can go forward and straighten out to drive out etc… But right up to my front bumper is this van. And she continues to let her van roll even closer to me so I am basically trapped. She immediately starts cussing me out and waving her hands around. I reply with an incredulous look combined with the showing palms gesture of exasperation. She then starts to REALLY spaz out and scream at me. Clearly I cannot got very far because at this point she is about 6 inches from my front bumper. I just don’t understand why she cannot see she has gotten us into this predicament and needs to back up herself to give me some turning room. And it was not like I backed out right in front of her as I was totally clear to back up and she was actually stopped farther down the row with her turn signal on to go into a different spot. I guess she changed her mind and would have had plenty of time to see me pull out before approaching.

So I get stubborn and just sit there for a few seconds with my arms crossed.

The woman is literally shaking her head around and yelling, “GO! GO! GO!”

Sadly I cannot because she is blocking meeeeeeeee.

Then I just snapped and for the very first time in my very vanilla life I retaliated. I looked her square in the eye and mouthed very clearly, “FUCK YOU BITCH!” And the funniest part was she looked at me like I was the potty mouth evil hag after she had been cussing me out the whole time already. I guess I must have looked livid.

When I told this story to a friend she couldn’t believe I had done it. This is very unlike me.

I then cranked the wheel over and inched back and forth within the foot of space I had to maneuver and finally was able to get around her. I laughed the whole time and I know she could see that too.

I have to admit it felt really good to do that. My inner ‘feist’ is coming out in surprising ways.

Then on Friday I dog-sat my two girls, Xiola and Lulu for the whole day. I took them to the dog beach where they can run around off leash and play with loads of other dogs and jump in the ocean if they want. We came back to my place and I gave them both a bath and then we went for another walk to the park where I planned to brush them thereby giving all the wee birdies and animals clumps of fur to add to their nests and totally keeping my apartment a fur free zone. I sat on the grass and not long after this woman just walked up to me with her two Chihuahuas and sat right down next to me.

Oh! OK!

So we started talking and it became evident that she might be a little mentally disabled which explained her lack of personal space boundaries with complete strangers. We had a nice chat and I brushed her dogs too (all 5 lbs of them) in the sunshine. It was obvious she very much loved her dogs and when I asked questions she almost entirely answered me as if the dogs were speaking themselves.

Me: So what are your dogs’ names?

Lady: (baby voice) My name is Romeo and even though I am very little I think I am very big and I get into fights with large dogs and bark a lot to show them I mean business.

Me: Oh…um…what is your other dog’s name?

Lady: (higher pitched baby voice) My name is Juliette and I am the boss. Romeo thinks he is the boss but I let him think that way but I am really the boss and I sit in my mommy’s lap and never ever ever ever let her get up.

Me: Hehe… um…Well, Romeo and Juliette, you are both very cute.

Lady: (singsong voice) We knooooooowwww!

It was while sitting with Romeo and Juliette’s mom that I saw something I have never seen before and I hope I never see again. This woman and her small son were walking along a nearby path and she was shouting at him about something. The kid, I think about 5 years old, wasn’t saying anything or whining that I could hear but this woman going on and on about how he was not listening and bugging her and such. When they got about 30 feet from me she stopped and her voice got louder and louder and she suddenly spit on her child. Yes. SPIT ON HER OWN SMALL CHILD. It was all I could do not to say something but I had a large dog with me and I wasn’t sure how Xiola would react if this lady freaked out on me and did something stupid. She seemed really nuts. Poor little kid is going to be Hannibal Lecter when he grows up.

Then yesterday my mom and I ventured into the deepest and darkest of suburbs to visit the Holy Grail of shopping destinations. Yes, we FINALLY have gotten an H & M clothing store. I have seen them in other cities for years and years and I just couldn’t figure out why Vancouver didn’t have one yet. We have all the big designer stores and other big names but no H & M. Well we have one now in a nearby town and a downtown Vancouver one will be opening up in Spring 2008.

Sadly I cannot rave too much about it as the store was so packed with back to school teenagers and moms with kids and strollers you literally couldn’t move. There was a huge line-up to try stuff on and everything was so picked over. I’ll go back once school starts and let you know how fabulous it is.

And an update- Yoshi is now talking to me again as I bought her a nice big playzen tuben that she LOVES! I am the cool food lady now (with a 5 foot cat tunnel in the middle of her living room) and all is well.

Crush Your Cat's Head Friday-On Strike

2007-08-24T21:15:00.001-07:00

Yoshi here again. I refuse to come out from under the bed (except to post this important notice) because my stooopid Food Hag brought over two ugly and dumb dogs for the whole frickin' day! My dinner was 3 hours late and my mom is covered in dog fur. She also smells.

So I am boycotting a photograph today and will only consider posing over the weekend if the following demands are met:

-1 (one) can of tuna served in 2 (two) installments for my dinner.
-uninterrupted use of the lap.
-my litter box scooped every hour on the hour.
-scratching of my chin combined with light bum spankings on demand.
-unrestricted access to all hair clips and elastics.
-undying devotion of all mortals.

Only if all my demands are met will I attend a photo shoot. If any of these conditions are not met in a timely manner I will penalize My Slave by pooping in her shoe.

Your co-operation is greatly appreciated.

However, I still hate you.

Mad Props for my Bloggies. WORD!

2007-08-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago I was nominated as an inspirational blogger by Hit and Run. She is a fellow cancerous chick who totally held it together as a single mom with two young girls while undergoing chemo, radiation and surgeries for breast cancer. Well, the feeling is definitely mutual. Anybody who can keep it going with kids, let alone while feeling like ass on a grand scale, has nothing but my admiration and respect. HAR totally rocks. Fact is all the blogs I follow inspire me in some way. I wouldn’t read them if they didn’t resonate on some level. What some bloggers may not know is that I usually lurk. I actually only comment on very few of the blogs I visit on a daily basis. I can assure you, if you have visited me I’ve been by your blog several times at least if not everyday. I might not comment because, quite honestly, I am quite shy.

Here are a few blogs I find inspirational for one reason or another. You might find them interesting as well.

Random and Odd-Kristine and I have something in common. We both have anxiety disorders that affect and limit our lives in some way or another. She inspires me because she not only keeps her sense of humour about it all but is able to convey very eloquently what it is like to navigate a busy life under these circumstances. She has a huge (and gorgeous) family that she takes care of and I simply don’t know how she does it. It would be an understatement to say it cannot be easy.

The Blog Pound-Leigh-Ann lives in Las Vegas with her partner Flippy. A fellow Canadian, she runs a home based animal rescue operation where she predominately takes in orphaned kittens and ill animals. She bottle feeds and nurses these poor pookers back to health without any significant outside financial help. She and Flippy pay out of pocket to spay and neuter animals they find as well. The time and effort she spends on her fur babies is very inspirational. She is continually researching and investigating the best food for her charges and recently has started making all her own dog and cat food from scratch. I can assure you there are dogs and cats out there that wouldn’t have made it without the exceptional care and love from Leigh-Ann.

WTFsanjo-I cannot remember how I found Katie but she is also a fellow breast cancer babe. She is also only 28 years old. Her sense of humour about the vile stuff she has had to go through is mind-blowingly inspirational. She has also proudly posted photos of her recent mastectomy and reconstruction. Something I have thought about doing a lot but always chickened out on.

Lost in a World Awhirl-Alan always knows just the right thing to say in the comment section. He is cheerful, uplifting and inspirational. He works his ass off, cooks, cleans, does laundry, and treats his wife like gold as well as gets up to all sorts of stuff with his kids and grandkids. This guy lives a very full life and he always reminds me to enjoy the little things.

Electric Boogaloo-Tiffany can write about her boys, Nicolaus and Graham like nobody else. Descriptive and irreverent, she makes their every quirk fascinating and hilarious. Even when they are being bad they are funny and cute and adorable. She is also an awesome artist and photographer. I cannot wait until she puts up a new post so I can laugh over what has been going on at her house. You may know her as the former owner of Mos the Harbil Starving Dag.

Subversive Cross-Stitch-Julie mailed me a cross-stitch pattern and I’ve been hooked since. This new hobby is one of the few things that really relaxes me so I am eternally grateful. She also has a cat, Boone, who could be Yoshi’s twin brother. She inspires me to be creative and craft fun stuff. She also rocks as she is maintaining a successful business through her creative crafting. Awesome!

What Was I Thinking-most of you know Susie and her wonderful blog. This chick always writes so beautifully about funny life things or serious life things or scary life things. Such talent! She always knows just what to say and I respect that greatly. Lately she has been dealing with WTF and still is able to keep up her blog writing poignant and emotional posts. She is one brave and excellent lady.

KLOG-Kalki is another gal who can write a hilarious description of a recent Target visit and then the very next day describe in heart-breaking detail the rich and fulfilling relationship she has with her husband. For a gal so young she really gets it. Such an old soul. And, like me, she makes up with caternal instinct what she lacks in maternal urges.

I could go on and on about so many blogs I love but I’ll keep it from getting unruly around here. So ladies and gents-thanks for the inspiration.

I have never done this before but I would love for you all to de-lurk and tell me what/what inspires you.

Von Krankipantzen

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